The Real Goth

Pictured: Goth Gary

Welcome to my dark realm, children. I am The Scion of Caliginosity, Lord of the Deep, Master of Darkness, Plague of the Irish, and Vampyr Lord. My mom calls me Gary. You may not. You must call me by my Dark Cult name (and AIM screenname) "D4rkman2005".

I will not go into the details of my dark and disturbing past, as it is very dark.... and disturbing. You really wouldn't want to hear about it... really.

Honestly, it's not something you'd enjoy to know about, because it's really quite unpleasant.

Now to the point at hand. There has been a increase lately in so-called-Goths who are really just trendy teenager bitches. Yes, I too am a teenager. I know what your mind is thinking (I really do! I'm spooky!) and it is thinking thusly: "Hey Gary! If you're a teenager, then how much of a dark and disturbing past can you really have?" Well, quite a bit actually. But then, you really don't want to hear about it.

It's too spooky.

These Fad Goths, whom we will refer to as Faths (Fucking Annoying Teenage wHores) are infesting our schools, malls, and pet stores. They are a plague to the real Goths, like me and a few others I've known, and simply spread false images of what real Goths are really about. Most the people I hang out with aren't real goths. In fact, I don't like them. They just hang around me to be cool, and because they want to be goth. But they can't be, because their lives haven't been as deeply disturbing as mine. How disturbing is that?

You don't even want to know...really, you don't.

Life used to be better for me as a Goth. I could go to the Mall, or Walmart, without feeling like others were posing off me. Not that I like anyone in malls or Walmart, or have a job for money to shop at such places. I'd much rather find a cave to go read poetry in, or a coffee shop that serves grubs and lichen, but sometimes I feel the urge to enlighten the conformed masses about true Darkness. For as we all know, True Darkness occasionally walks around Malls.

These Faths, who wish they were Goth, are no better than those rich little preppies who shop at the Gap...or any other clothing store for that matter. Only instead of Abercrombie and Preppie, they shop at Hot Topic. Hot Topic used to be a cool store, before all those little fad bitches started shopping there to be cool. "OOH! look at us!" they say, "we are dark and spooky!" I'm sorry little girls, you know nothing of true spookiness, for it is I, and I is it. Now Hot Topic just sells the occasional cool item, but mostly Sponge Bob t-shirts.

I'm so depressed.

Here are some pictures of Faths.

Pictured: Some Faths.

Who are these people!?!? The one on the right actually has color in her dress, and the one on the left isn't even wearing any makeup!!! And that guy...who's he trying to be? He looks like a retarded Billy Corgan on heroin.

Pictured: Some Faths.

What, you think throwing on some black clothing makes you goth? Well you're right! But you're bad at it!

Pictured: Some Faths.

They obviously made themselves more pale with Photoshop, I can tell. Real Goths can tell, and don't need Photoshop...we just use it to remove acne. Though, that girl (guy?) in the middle is kind of hot.

In conclusion, if you think you are Goth, you are probably not. Why? Because a true Goth wouldn't say "hey, I'm cool and shit" because hey, we're cool and shit like that. I'll leave you little conformist bitches one of my best poems to think about.

The Darkness swirled around me
It choked me, left me for dead
The Darkness swirled around me
suffocating, like a normal condom on a magnum penis
The Darkness swirled around me
Like in a toilet,
and I am the poop.

Goth Gary is the Lord and Master of the Dark Realm, as well as three rooms in his parents' house. He is currently writing a book about Faths.

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