Breaking Your Gothicity To Your Parents

Pictured: Goth Gary

Welcome, Children of the Gloom. It is I, the Scion of Caliginosity, with some more advice on everything Goth-like. This week's subject: Breaking it to your parents. Any individual who lives an alternate lifestyle has this problem, and I understand how difficult it can be. Nobody wants to understand us, unless they do, in which case they are likely a poser goth. Anyhow, I am not a poser goth, as you well know, so here is my advice for you.

The first thing you should remember is this: your parents probably already know of your goth-like ways. No matter how much you try to hide the dresses and makeup you've been wearing, your mother is bound to notice all the black lace. I know that before I broke my lifestyle to my parents, she became rather excited to see lipstick on my shirt. She thought I had a girlfriend. I had to tell her that it was my own lipstick, and that I have no girlfriend.

My only girlfriend is Satan.

Your parents will likely take the news more lightly than you imagined. As I said, they probably have already noticed your unusual habits, like all the chains and your tendency to suck off the entire football team just to make friends. The only people who will have much trouble are those with parents in denial. You could be spewing blood and speaking in tongues and your folks wouldn't notice, because they want their child to be moral creatures of the sunlight hours. We can't be like that.

Our kind are lonely in our individualities.

If your parents are stubborn to accept what you are, then it might be a good idea to approach them in the proper garb. You must shed yourself of moral clothing, because clothes not made with the power of darkness are weak and wrinkle easily. Calmly explain to them that this is who you are. Be blunt about it. There is no tiptoeing around the issue. If you did that, you may give the wrong impression about yourself. They may think you are just really retarded. "No mother," you must say, "I am the undead."

There are two possible reactions, and only two, that you may receive from your parents. Any other reaction is to be assumed fake, and an immediate sacrifice of the family dog/cat/younger sibling is necessary to maintain balance in the universe. Your parents will either give you the "We love you no matter what, though we would have liked grandkids" thing, or they'll hit you and tell you to get out of the house. As with all encounters with your parents, either situation calls for an immediate "I HATE YOU" followed by you running up into your room and slamming your door. Lets face it, that's the only reaction they understand. Do it more. As often as possible.

Goth Gary is the Lord and Master of the Dark Realm, as well as three rooms in his parents' house. He believes parents just don't understand.

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