How To Properly Cast Spells

Pictured: Goth Gary

Greetings, underlings. In the past, I hath described upon you many aspects of being Gothic and how to achieve them. These writings have always been concerned with worldly affairs, such as makeup, being nonconformist, and spooky things.

But today, I will speak unto you of the invisible world of Wicca, the TRUE Gothic religion and an extreme spiritual experience. It requires makeup, candles, and spooky things. If you have all three, let's begin! Begin the terror.

To caste your own spelle, you first must have a reason. Many people, upon learning the crafte of spellecaste, begin their spelles without any true cause. This upsets the Goddess. You must have a reason for calling on the power of whichever spirit you choose, like your poor grades, that girl/guy you really like, or your sub-par weekly allowance. Stupid parents.

Upon realizing your purpose, you must then obtain the most important ingredient for spellecasteing, candles. The Goddess will only listen to you if there is flame around, because as we all know, Gods are attracted to light. Like moths. The representation and positioning of the candles is important. Let's say you want that cheerleader who sits in front of you to like you enough to stop spitting on the papers she hands back. Choose one candle to represent her, and another you. Light both, and slowly move them closer to each other every night for a week. If this doesn't work, try the "teacher assigns you a new seat" spelle. It is less spooky, but more efficient.

Smelly things are also important. You see, demons and spirits are more likely to hang around if they are comfortable, and the spirit realm resembles a burning house. It's filled with smoke. Lovely, pleasing smoke. Make them at home and burn a Bible or something.

The final step in spellecasteing is the incantation. Gothics are often quite good at this, because it requires poetry. Though, the poetry must rhyme, which is not a strong point in standard Gothic Poetry. The reason it must rhyme is because otherwise, the gods don't remain interested. They have short attention spans, so a cute little rhyme is just the ticket to get their attention. I have found they especially enjoy limericks. Example:

There once was a gothic named Gary,
Who wanted a demon to marry.
He put on a hat
that was filled with scat
so he's stuck with an imp name of Larry.

You are now wandering into the dangerous realm of spellecasteing! Beware this mighty power, and use it only for your own advancement. I would say you should avoid using it to cause harm, but then I think of those guys who made fun of me in gym class and I realize some people deserve to die. Kill them all.

Love, Gary.

Goth Gary is the Lord and Master of the Dark Realm, as well as three rooms in his parents' house. By reading this, you have activated a slave spell on yourself.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: