Excuse Me, Can I Get Some Face Time With Your Ass?

Pictured: John Evans, an Enduring Vision guest columnnist

Excuse me, sir. Got a minute? I was just wondering if I could get a little face time with your ass real quick. I know that we had that little chat by the vending machine earlier, but I just didn't feel like I had enough time to really give your ass a good once-over like I usually do.

By the way, where'd you get that tie? That's really sharp. I'm going to have to get one similar to it. I won't get the exact one, of course. I'm not some sycophant whose only desire is to gain his boss's approval. I'm my own man.

Anyway, about that sit-down between your ass and me, how's one o'clock? Oh, wait, I can't do it at one. I've got all of the data to go through for the Kiesling file. I know, I know, it's not my assignment. I just noticed Brian was struggling a little bit with it and you know me, always trying to help out. Anyway, I'm probably going to be staying late tonight to get that done, so we may have to hold off on the bullshit and fake camaraderie until tomorrow morning.

I'll be in early, how's 7:30? Are you sure that's OK? Man, you must get up at 4:00 AM if you can get to the gym and get in here by 7:30 every morning. What? You don't go to the gym? Really? I could have sworn that you do. Well, I'll have to tell my wife you're just built like that naturally.

Anyway, as far as the meeting goes, nothing major. It just seems like it's been a while since I had your ass cheeks in my face and covered every square inch of them with kisses. But that doesn't mean that I'll just be spouting phony, blatantly obvious hero-worship the whole time either. You can also plan on me throwing out some ideas for how we could improve efficiency around the office – I know how you like that. I might even dish some dirt on a coworker or two “just between you and me,” ostensibly in the best interest of the company, but in reality just to give you a quick, subconscious little peck on the backside. Some bosses don't like tattle-tales, but I've got a good feeling about you.

Oh, and I'll make sure I remember to stroke it while I'm back there smooching your ass too. And by it, of course, I mean your ego. I'll be sure to stroke your ego.

Alright, so we're set then for 7:30 tomorrow morning? Great. I'll shoot you off a reminder e-mail tonight. Do you check your e-mail at home? Janice doesn't mind you taking your work home with you, does she? Alright, great.

How is Janice, by the way? Good? Good.

Well, sir, I'm glad we had this little pre-ass kissing chat and I look forward to laying some real smackers on your behind tomorrow. You can be sure that I'll have my kissing lips on because I really need a raise. Especially if I'm going to be able to afford a car that's anywhere near as cool as that 626 you just bought. Those things are awesome.

And I also heard that Amy's position may be opening up soon. I know that she's pulling in a nice little salary, so I wouldn't be surprised if I even give your ass a few big French kisses tomorrow. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Well, I'd love to talk more, but I've really got to get back to work. Have a good one, sir.

Special thanks to our guest editorialist, John Evans. He sent his column to us along with a lovely Harry & David gift basket, then called and sent two emails to confirm that we received it.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: