Scientologists Aren't Crazy, You Just Need More Money

Let's get one thing out of the way right now: yes, I'm a Scientologist. No, I'm not here to do or say crazy things like the media or the evil ancient ruler Xenu would have you believe. And I'm also not here to convert you, since this website doesn't have a Paypal system and I would need about $4000 from you to really get started. No, I'm just here to clear up some misconceptions about our religion (yes, it's a legitimate religion just like Christianity or Heaven's Gate). It's been popping up a lot, especially with Scientologist Isaac Hayes -- the voice of Chef on the crudely-drawn-so-you-know-it's-stupid South Park -- leaving the show. I'll get to that in a minute. Right now, it's time to lay down the basics.

First, probably the most hurtful thing that I hear about Scientology: that we somehow coerce our members into staying, even severing contacts with their friends and family if necessary. Well, if people would bother to do a little research, they'd realize that most Scientologists don't have any friends or family to start with! And if you think you do, come on down to one of our churches sometime and I'll show you that the people you think comprise your "family" are actually body thetans -- little bits and pieces of space aliens that once lived 75 million years ago that now reside in some people's bodies. I told you we're not crazy.

The thing is, I can't really explain too much of this without asking you for a little bit of money. That's the problem with those who aren't part of our group -- you don't have the money to buy the knowledge and really understand. Some people say that no religion should charge its followers money -- especially large amounts of money -- but you know what I say to that? That's how you know it's working. When's the last time somebody just gave you something for free and it worked like a charm? Good things cost money, folks, and religion is no different. The next time you see a Catholic, ask them why they don't have to pay to read some of Jesus' teachings. You might just have a new Scientologist on your hands when they realize they're ready to move onto something that they need to pay for!

Speaking of they are a crazy bunch. I think the Pope's official position is still that evolution didn't happen! Everybody knows humans evolved from clams. And how do we know that? A little guy called L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of this great religion, told us so by figuring it out. Yes, he was a science-fiction writer, and yes, he did once say "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion," but so what? I bet Jesus wrote all kinds of wacky crap and died a rich guy, too. That's what saviors do. Don't start singling Scientology out just because you never read "Lava Monsters From Jupiter" by Jesus H. Christ.

And while we're on the topic of science fiction: traditional fields of medicine. What if I told you that your friend who has cancer is just in a bad state of mind, and that the treatment he's on is only accelerating his disease? You'd probably want me to tell you more, and give me thousands of dollars so that I can do so. Well, here's a little taste for free: 99% of conventional medicines that exist today will eventually kill you. This explains why so many of us eventually die. Free ride ends here.

Now, I did promise to tell you about Isaac Hayes' situation, and a Scientologist never goes back on his promises -- if we promise you a piece of pie, or an appointment, or that once you get in deep enough we'll cut off your contact with the outside world and force you to stay, darn it, we mean it! You may have heard that Isaac left South Park due to an episode making fun of our religion. That is true. But recently, you may have also heard speculation that we somehow made him leave, and that he really didn't want to. Well, it is true that high level Scientologists gain mind control and can levitate and other powerful things, but I'm here to tell you that we didn't do any of that to Isaac. He left on his own. You believe this, too. These aren't the droids you're looking for. You can go about your business.

I realize that Scientology is not nearly as old and established and therefore not as much of a "sacred cow" as other religions, so if that's going to get our beliefs mocked for a couple of hundred more years until words like Xenu are as common as Moses, so be it. But at least don't accuse us of cult-like, suppressive activities when we clearly will do our best to sue you for saying that. It just makes us come across as intolerant and paranoid. In fact, we help people in their lives -- look at what we've done for Tom Cruise. That could be you jumping on a couch someday. And you know what? I just realized that I have my own Paypal address. Send your payments to dianetic$ DO IT NOW.

Special thanks to our guest editorialist, John Smith. He told us we did not have to pay him for his column if we instead applied the amount to our first bill for learning about Scientology.

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