Shut The Fuck Up While I Teach You About God

Do me a favor for a second, you fucker. Take your god damned mouth and close it for just one fucking second. Do you understand me? Close your fucking teeth together and shut the fuck up. I am here to teach you about motherfucking God.

You're a sinner, you know that? It's so fucking obvious. We both know it, just as we both know that I'm going to rip out your fucking ribcage and shove it down your god damned throat if you don't listen to what I say about the Lord Christ Fucking Jesus. You sin every day of your fucking shit-bucket life. Look at you, you fucking giant fuck. You don't even know what sinning is, do you? It's in a little thing called the Bible, bitch. It's only, oh, I don't know, the most holy motherfucking book ever written. Jesus Shit In A Bag Fucking Christ, what did they teach you in school?

The Bible teaches us the way that we should live our fucking lives. It's like a blueprint on how to be a decent god damned person, and all you have to do is follow its sanctified shit. There's the basic stuff, like don't kill any fuckers, which is what I'm going to do to you in a second. I'm going to pry out your eyeballs and eat them. Blood will leak out of your fucking eye sockets. Then your brains will come out of there. Eventually, you'll fucking die, just like our Lord and Savior Jesus The Fuck Christ did on the cross. And He died so that 2000 fucking years later, you could die. That's God lesson number uno, you fuckface.

Don't look at me like that! Jesus Riding A Fucking Penis-Shaped Rocket, are you a fucking faggot? That's against God, pole smoker. I hate to break it to you since you're so obviously intent on pulling my pants down after this and trying to faggotize me, and I would try to resist, but you would be just too fucking strong, and you'd eventually have whatever way you wanted with me. Oh my holy fucking God, is that what you want to happen? Do you want to be a motherfucking cocking Sodomite? I should just open my ass right now, shouldn't I? Yes, you're going to hell for this, but you probably don't give a shit. I wouldn't let it stop me. If I were you.

You're a fucking fag-munch. Jesus is Lord.

Do unto others as you would have them fuck unto you. That's another important lesson in our soul-saving session. For example, if I wanted you to cut a line around my face and rip it off my fucking skull and wear it like a mask, I would do it to you first. If you wanted me to crucify you to show you what our motherfucking savior went through, you'd have to try and do it to me first. I say "try" because you would not succeed. I would be too quick for you, and I would smash a gigantic Bible into your face. Your nose would crack open and gush blood, reminding me of the glorious god damned rivers of Babylon.

Are you understanding the motherfucking power of our awesome God by now? Do you see why your sinning ways are leading you to a path of unrighteousness, and of Jesus beaming down to Earth to stick His fingers up your fucking nose to reach your lungs, and then pulling them out? He would do that to you. And if He wouldn't, I would. You need to learn that God fucking loves you. God is great, God is good, shut the fuck up before I cut your ass open with a chainsaw. A chainsaw soaked in holy water.

Fucking Lord, I ask you now: give me the strength to tear this sinner's ears off and place them within his scrotum. Let your goodness flow through me as I bite his femurs open. I would do this because huge arteries are there. Grant me the resolve to pull his large intestine out through his fucking anus, and attach it to his mouth. I know you have my back on this one, Lord. You are fucking with me.

John Fucking 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only fucking Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting motherfucking asskicking rights to fuckers who don't." Think about it. Think about my fucking sermon before I use a bone saw to remove the top of your head and piss in your brains.

Oh Lord. Oh fucking hallelujah.

Special thanks to our guest editorialist, Mitch Ciara. He and his brother Mark spend their time counting their fucking blessings.

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