Martha Stewart Would've Gotten Off If She Was A Man

Pictured: Harswil Manchester III, Esquire

Sorry to bust the bubbles of any pig-men out there who like to see Martha Stewart in shackles, but I'm about to say something that's obvious to anyone who doesn't hate women and want them to go into slavery: Martha Stewart is only being prosecuted because she is a woman.

That's right, there's a reason why you keep hearing that this case is a "bitch hunt": because it's a hunt for a woman -- oh, I'm sorry, I mean bitch cunt whore -- who didn't do anything wrong in her life, but who happens to be more successful than a lot of snorting sweat men. And oh lordy, we can't have a successful bitch pussy out there, now can we?

Even I can see that Martha Stewart is obviously not guilty, and I'm someone who has been an outspoken opponent of hers, since she has television programs that promote a lifetime of servitude for women to their OPPRESSORS. But as disgusting and primitive a show that shows women how to cook interesting, tasty meals may be, it's Martha Stewart's right as a woman to have it. At least, that's what you'd think, but try telling that to the man swines who arrested her and prosecuted her.

People try and tell me details about the case, like, "Jane, she lied to the federal government!" or "Jane, she makes nice doilies!" or even, "Jane, please step away from me or take a shower, because your body odor is overwhelming!" Please. Details are for suckers, or in this case, the penis brigade. The only detail I need to know is this: Martha Stewart is a woman, and she is not attractive enough to be acquitted.

That's right, let me ask you this: would Martha Stewart still be a convicted felon if she was thirty years younger and had size quadruple D breasts (that's "tits" or "meat bags" to you woman-hating-well-loving-but-only-in-a-sexual-context men)? You bet your oppressive demeaning man-created Victoria's Secret credit card not. She would've gone before the jury, and the old, testosterone-drinking judge would've said, "Oh, now Martha, what's all this I hear about you getting into some trouble?" and she would've giggled and said, "Oh, I don't know sir, would you like to bone me now?" and he would've said, "Why of course Martha, that's how our legal systems work if you're a woman, now please step into my chambers of sex," and she would say, "Yes sir, thank you for putting me in my rightful place." This country makes me puke. I'm sure some places in the Middle East treat their women better than here.

How would we feel if a black person was persecuted just because he was black? I bet most people would be pretty angry, wouldn't they? But since Martha Stewart had the misfortune of being a white female, all hope is lost for her. I guess that's the way things are for a woman in the 21st man-tury, though.

Jane Kurowitz is a female -- yeah, so what? She is pretty sure Martha Stewart is a woman.

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