Where Are The Women Presidential Candidates? Oh Yeah, The Men Ate Them

Pictured: Jane Kurowitz

When I turn on the television these days, all I hear is news about our drool beer fart male Presidential candidates. One channel is one guy going, "Dur har, if elected I will oppress women further and make laws requiring them to scrub our floors," and another has the other guy saying, "Dur har, if elected I will impregnate all the women in the Oval Office and then laugh about it." Wow, tell me something I don't know. But here's my question for you testosterone-drinking pigs out there: where are the women in this election?

No, I'm not talking about "women" like Condoleeza Rice or Hilary Clinton -- everybody knows that they may (sort of) look like women, but actually have within them the cold, primitive hearts of men. How do I know? When was the last time you saw Hilary Clinton show up for a press conference with long, beautiful hair on her legs? When was the last time you saw Condoleeza Rice go to a 9/11 Commission hearing and miraculously turn the whole thing into a hearing about why women are oppressed so much (she could even throw minority women in there, if she wanted to)? If you answered "because they're not really women at all", and you're not a man, you're right. If you answered that way and you're a man, stop fucking patronizing us, you hormone-driven warthog.

But maybe I should settle down a little, and cook some more dinner to get my silly little mind off of these big scary thoughts. After all, there are some things a woman just isn't meant to do, like play professional football with men who are biologically built to be much stronger than they are, or donate sperm to a clinic, or become President of the United States, right? Wrong. You've been brainwashed by the male-media again. A woman can do any of those things, and can actually do them nearly 45,000 times better than any man. It's a statistic, woman sodomizer. Learn about it before you start smacking your head with beer cans to try and form some kind of comeback.

What's that I hear you saying, besides eight different kinds of grunts for "Me want sex now burp"? You say that there are already plenty of women in politics? Check again, penis-worshipper. Unlike Condoleeza Rice and Hilary Clinton, these "women" are only too happy to fill out their cunt roles, and that's exactly how they got to their political positions. Tear your eyes away from the big game a second and look:

Pictured: Lisa Murkowski

Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska. Good lord, woman, cut your hair! You mean you still think that because you're an incompetent female you have to have long hair? Welcome to the 21st century, honey. And could your shirt be any more of a typical womanly color? It's obvious to anyone with half a brain (which I guess excludes us silly skirt-wearers, doesn't it, men?) that this Senator is pretty much the worst excuse for a true woman in the world. She's a Senator because she's doing everything men tell her.

Pictured: Patty Murray

Senator Patty Murray of Washington. Hmm, not bad at first glance. Shorter man-defying hair, teeth that obviously didn't have to be straightened up and perfected to fit some high school jock's impossible standards of beauty, etc. But...wait! Just what in the name of Goddess is that? A necklace? Also known as a "Shiny Female Oppressor Collar"? Sorry, Senator Murray, but you just lost any respect you once may have had from me. I can tell by your willingness to dress in offensive, primitive bead-jewelry that the only laws you'll be passing are ones like "Have More Babies Resolution 202".

Do I really need to go on? It's pretty obvious that if there was any ever serious female candidate that would stand up for basic human rights like being a male bathroom attendant or being able to pee while being a foot away from the urinal, they would instantly be cut up and eaten by their male gods. Although they'd probably be leered at and slapped in the ass first. Fucking pigs.

Jane Kurowitz is a female -- yeah, so what? She is hopeful that one day, an actual female will become a politician.

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