Females Snubbed Again In Best Actor Category

Pictured: Jane Kurowitz

Just when I was beginning to think that this country was making some kind of progress in identifying women as at least equal to male rabbits, here comes the Oscars. Apparently, it's not enough that the statue they give out is shaped half-man, half-penis. No, the walking giant penises in charge of the Academy Awards decided that women (by which I mean walking wang holes, am I right, oink boys?) deserve even less respect than that. With that in "mind" -- AKA, the hormone pit -- the men grabbed themselves and decided to restrict all women from the Best Actor category.

But heck, maybe I'm being too harsh on the Penis Brigade. Poor old Hilary Swank did an okay job in "Million Dollar Baby", but being a woman, the only thing she's truly good at is bleeding all over the place for a week or so every month, and not from being punched in the boxing ring, either (I'm surprised the men even allowed her to portray a boxer...oh wait, no I'm not, because she slutted it up with them to make it happen). Annette Benning? Looks to me like she should win an award for staying in the kitchen and performing fellatio while cooking a pot roast!

Face it, Lords of Farting: women have always been just part of the scenery in movies. Hilary "Whore Who Sets Feminism Back 30 Years" Swank was pretty much a background character in "Boys Don't Cry", serving to emphasize the main part of John Lotter, who was played by Peter Sarsgaard. And what gender was old Peter, you ask? I'll give you five guesses, but you probably won't even need three. He was a man! The only way Hilary even got into that movie (besides flipping eggs while she offered up all of her orifices to the producers) was because she dressed up like a man in the movie, so it was okay that she was a woman. Well punch me in the milk sacks, why don't we all just stuff some rocks in our pants and be in the movies? Or open up a checking account, or burn a CD, or any of the other millions of things we're not allowed to do because we don't drink testosterone, even when some of us do and it does make us sort of look like men, and we still aren't allowed?

Another secret to women getting into movies: ugly yourself up so that the gorillas can feel like they're more beautiful than something besides The Penguin from Batman Returns. This is how Charlize Theron got into the movie "Monster", where she did a very good job acting (yes, that's the only word for it, since there's no such word as "actressing", THANKS MEN) and making out with Christina Ricci in several scenes, which I found so powerful that I found myself returning to the theater over 47 times to watch them. But was she honored for her achievement? Sure, and women also got the right to ejaculate semen that year! No, the movie was instead set up so that Charlize and Christina, instead of making out more, served mostly to prop up "Prostitute Solicitor #1", who probably went on to win 32 awards that year. Then he jacked off on the awards and impregnated sluts with them! We might have heard about it if the newspapers weren't run by...say it with me...Johnson Kings!

With this long history of females being basically baby dumpsters in movies, I won't be surprised at all tonight when men sweep the Best Actor category at the Mancademy Awards. If we're lucky, we'll get to see one shot of a female as she rushes onstage to copulate with the winner of the award. Hooray for equality!

Jane Kurowitz is a female -- yeah, so what? She is hopeful that one day, an actual female will become a politician.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: