I Couldn't Decide Between The Better-Smelling Spray And The Bonus Buy Spray

Pictured: Nancy Normal

Some people might not realize it, but the grocery store is actually a place where you have to make some pretty "heavy" decisions. Deciding between the regular yogurt and the low-fat yogurt, for example. Sure, the low-fat sounds like a better choice, but when you buy it and get it home, you discover it actually tastes like something Martha Stewart made in prison!

(Haha, just kidding, I love Martha to death and I hope she goes free, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to make a timely joke. I must've missed my calling in life as a comedian sometime around kid numero three!)

Usually, I somehow make it through these thousands of little decisions, even though I sometimes break a little bit of a sweat doing it! But today, I came upon a decision that was just darn near impossible to make. It was so hard that it almost made me swear off grocery shopping forever! Well, not really -- my old Hubby sure would be angry about that, and before I knew it I'd have another bruise that looks like a country in the Middle East! "Terrorist bruises", Hubby calls them. What a card!

It all started when I got to the cleaning products aisle. I approached it as normal, saying to a young lady next to me, "It sure is funny how they spell 'aisle', isn't it?" She didn't say anything back and gave me a strange look, but she looked like she might be a hussy anyway, so I wasn't too bothered. Like I said, everything nice and normal.

But as I checked my coupon book to see what cleaning product coupons I had, I noticed something that I hadn't seen when I was clipping the coupons, probably because I was accidentally inhaling the fumes of the nice and smelly permanent markers that I use to make up the list. What I saw was this: 1.) I had written "Dancing daises and slime" on my coupon book, and 2.) the coupon was for a citrus-scented air spray, when what I really wanted was Floral Fresh!

"Oh poop!" I remarked to any handsome stockboys who might have been listening, and I took a can of the citrus spray and gave it a little test squirt, just to see if it wasn't so bad after all. But no -- it was still just as terrible as Michael Jackson having sexual relations with small children! Hah, I guess that's why my friends call me "The Jokester", if I had friends and they called me nicknames!

Now I was truly stuck. On the one hand, I could save a little money and avoid making Hubby a little cranky and scary by having to face him with a big grocery bill. On the other hand, if I went with the citrus, I'd be just a little bit perturbed every time I sprayed it, over and over and over again, until I had to take a little nip of emergency whiskey to calm my nerves! Violent hubby...whiskey...violent hubby...whiskey...I think now you can appreciate the jam I was in!

Well, I must've been there for a good 79 minutes spraying bottle after bottle of citrus spray up my nose trying to get it to smell good when a young supple stockboy came up to me. At least, I'm pretty sure he was handsome, because at that point my eyes were being all silly and making everything shake all around. They shouldn't sell citrus spray that gets you higher than a black man who just won the lottery and is on his way down to the "bank" to "deposit" it!

"Can I help you, ma'am?" he said, and I could hear the doubt in his voice. He was afraid of little old me!

"WHISKEY VIOLENT HUBBY VIOLENT WHISKEY SPRAY!" I explained, hopping from one foot to the other as I sprayed citrus spray into my mouth. "I JUST NEED A FUCKING BARGAIN!"

"Ah...those ones are on sale," he said, and Jesus Christ and Mary on a submarine, he was pointing to the Floral Fresh! They were on sale for cheaper than the Citrus Shit!

"All this time, I was just a silly fool!" I said, laughing and playfully swatting him on the behind and playfully rubbing his pectoral muscles. "A silly, lonely fool!"

My memory is a little hazy on how I eventually ended up back home, but the important thing is, I had all my groceries, only a few mysterious dings and dents on my car, and best of all, my cheap Floral Fresh air freshener. When everything eventually stops smelling like citrus, I'm sure I'll love it.

Nancy Normal is a full-time housewife in Tellersville, PA. She prefers things to smell nice when possible.

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