I'm Voting For Whoever Fixes Traffic And Makes Milk Cheaper

Pictured: Nancy Normal

You hear a lot about voting for people these days, which I guess means that it's about time for another election! In case you couldn't tell, I follow politics about as closely as I follow professional sports! Haha! I actually do like some sports, but you know how it's supposed to be with women and sports. And if you don't, I know one Handsome Hubby of mine who'd be happy to educate you all the way to the end zone!

Women voting is still a little bit of a tricky subject, so I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this column, but I actually do think I will vote in my state's primary this year, since it's such a historical race between the Democrats: a woman (although Hilary is a little scary like a man) and a Muslim (don't blow us up, Barack!). I'll take any chance I can to get into the history books, and be remembered forever, even long after the flesh has rotted off my bones, making them nice and clean and white. I can just see it now: "In 2008, Nancy Normal voted in an important election. She was a true patriot and made her Hubby proud, and so he let her back into the bed at night."

As you may have noticed, both candidates have their troubles. A woman in the White House -- gracious. I'm a woman, and if I know my sex (yes, please! Haha, just kidding, I'm no hussy!) I know how we'd behave in the White House -- like a big old fish flopping around out of her kitchen bowl! It's great that she's trying this and all, but I have to wonder if Bill knows about it yet. I wouldn't think he would let her.

As for Barack, well...I love diversity as much as the next gal. I'm no racist, but I also don't want them in my neighborhood and around my kids. So the idea of someone like that leading the country is enough to make my little arm hairs stand up and say, "Nancy! You better pluck us before Hubby gets home!" Plus, I got a fowarded email the other day about him being in a sleeper cell or something like that, and Lord knows that when email forwards aren't being hilarious or patriotic (or both -- remind me to send you the one about the priest, the rabbi, and our soldiers in Iraq) they're scary and true.

The race is close, I hear, so I know my vote really counts (even though as a woman's it probably shouldn't). I know it's bad form to say which person I'm thinking of voting for, since that would mean we'd have to talk about politics, which would be awfully rude! But I will say this: I want the candidate who puts a stop to insane milk prices. How could we as a nation let a gallon of milk cost so much money per gallon? Jolly jeepers, if I didn't know better, I'd think it came from a talking cow who sounds like my father! "Pull my udders, or you'll be a disappointment to everyone!" he'd say. Then I'd say, "Hang on, and don't have a cow!" Ooh, write that one down, Nancy! Wait, you just did! Haha, don't be such an IDIOT, GIRL.

Or how about terrible traffic? The candidate who fixes that gets the red light special for my vote! I can't be the only one who sits in a big long line of cars and imagines an SUV big enough for me to roll right over all of them while I pretend that they're all terrorists. Crunch crunch, America just got safer, all thanks to Nancy and her SUV!

Why hasn't a politician fixed these problems yet? Instead of saying, "I'm going to make education more affordable for people who shouldn't be allowed to go in the first place," they should say, "I'm going to make it mandatory to keep driving 65 MPH on this road no matter what happens, or else the government will come and take you away." Can anyone say Nancy for President? Haha, if you did, you haven't been paying attention -- I'm a woman!

Nancy Normal is a full-time housewife in Tellersville, PA. She believes taxes are a big pain!

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