Super Target To The Rescue!

Pictured: Nancy Normal

Finally! The day has come! The new Super Target just fifteen miles down the road has finally opened, and you know what that means -- I can finally go shopping again! That's right, I've been waiting and waiting and waiting -- and w8ing, as the kids say! Haha, where you at, dawgs? -- for this day, and now that it's here, I just don't know what to do with myself!

Sorry for not explaining right away -- I've been a little nutsy wutsy with all this excitement, and not having eaten any food in over 13 days to delay going out to the store. It's been ages since I've been shopping. I mean, I can't be expected to go to the grocery store to get food for my family (including old Hubby, who refuses to go shopping because it would queer him up too much! "But honey!" I said. "Those homos sure can dress well!" That zinger was almost worth the fall down the stairs!) when I know that in only a few short weeks a new, beautiful Target will open up and save me up to 50-cents per item versus my regularly-priced grocery or convenience store see local paper for details! Just think of the look on Hubby's face if he were to see how much money I spent on milk, eggs and bread compared to the savings that we are sure to get from everyone's favorite Super Store. He would remind me that, "Money doesn't grow on trees," and, "All good things to those who wait." He would say it to me with his eyes.

And you know what the best thing about Target is? They don't sell only food! That's what's wrong with those teeny-tiny supermarkets, clothing stores, and dumb fitness centers. I've been meaning to get into a workout routine, but how can I do that when there's no Target to supply me with the wrist and ankle weights, fanny packs, water bottles, and sunglasses that everyone needs to go jogging? No way, Jose (I said that to the Mexican neighbor boy the other day and laughed and laughed! I'm such a card)! It was a long wait, and if they'd taken any longer to open their doors, I might have gained 50,000 pounds and had a rump the size of a blue whale! Or a sperm whale, oh goodness! Or maybe I wouldn't have, since we've been grinding up the furniture for sawdust to get all the vitamins and minerals we need, but I would have definitely kept being really bored.

Target is also a little more upscale than regular grocery or fitness stores. I can't explain exactly how, but all of my girlfriends have been saying that, even Shirley from down the street, and her family owns a fake lawn that looks beautiful all year (if only I could get a fake face to do the same for me! Somebody call Dr. 90210)! It just seems like their name doesn't have a Mart in it. I know that might sound like a silly thing to base quality on, but believe me, when you're driving up to their parking lot and you see that reassuring "TARGET" and the giant bulls-eye, it just feels much better than driving up to another parking lot and seeing "WAL-MART" with a giant star in the middle. That star could burn you if you get too close! I'm considering sending that one in to the advice column in the paper. It would be a heck of a lot better than "Consider the internal beauty of things!" or whatever that commie Barbara from three blocks away is writing these days!

So now, Target is open. It's ready for me to walk in, and pick up a $13 paper towel roll holder, so that during the brief moments between the end of an old roll and the start of a new one, if anyone is in the house, they will nod approvingly and say, "Nancy, you sure know where to shop!" It's ready for me to pick up a swanky looking stool, which I will sit on while I drink my Coke and beer martinis that I invented and graciously accept dinner party invitations from the Bank President. And, best of all, it's ready for me to get some food so that my kids aren't going to school with carpet stir fry in their lunch boxes."Your mother is going grocery shopping today, you little carpet munchers!" I told them. They didn't answer, but I knew that was only because they were saving their energy. Moving your mouth burns valuable calories, that's one lesson we learned as a family recently. Next thing you know, we'll have pictures of us by the Grand Canyon!

I will soon go to the Target. I will soon experience all of these things. If I don't, I just don't know what I'd do. That would be an awful lot of disappointment for my anti-depressants to handle! The jokester in me wants to say that maybe I should just not go at all, to spare my feelings! Haha, easy, Nancy. You'll get to a comedy club someday.

I'll be leaving any second now.

Nancy Normal is a full-time housewife in Tellersville, PA. This column is excerpted from a larger column that originally appeared in Harper's Magazine, "Super Targets Are Great."

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