Where's Government Surveillance When You Need It?

Pictured: Nancy Normal

"Is Nancy a socialist?" That's probably what you just wondered, but don't call the police just yet! It's just that every once in awhile, I wish that the government would have a teensy tiny bit more power to do something about the things most of us don't like: nogoodnicks.

You know the type. They're the people who think it's okay to drive above the speed limit (hey, Honky McGee! It's 55, not 56, so kindly back off my behind!). The people who steal the show at potlucks by making better deviled eggs than you (hey, Joanne! Some of us have hubbies to keep us busy and make us feel bad for cooking things that aren't steak!). The troublemakers. What about it, government? Too busy watching terrorists that conveniently never seem to attack (except for like one time)?

For starters, how about some stepped-up surveillance around the Target parking lot? People just walk right in front of my car like I'm supposed to stop just for them. Hello?! I'm in a car that could kill you, Mr. Pedestrian! The government ought to arrest him for his own good, before I accidentally smash into him and spread his brains all over the concrete! I'm no politician, but if Homeland Security won't take care of our own homeland, or even our hometown, then what good is it? That's Nancy's Rule #43: name things after the things they do!

Or how about this scary scenario: what if my son Billy got hurt on his way to school? That's right: Mama's poor little 17 year-old could fall right off his bike, and I'd have no way of knowing that, and before you know it, BAM. A car hits him and spreads his brains all over the concrete. Can't we at least have government surveillance to protect our children from dangerous, crazed drivers?

We could even use a few cameras around people's houses (the ones who are up to no good, I mean). Like the boy next door who's in a band and I'm sure smokes pot -- he's breaking the law right under my nose, but without some kind of secret sensor, there's not a darn thing I can do about it! I'd probably be getting a contact high right now if it weren't for the smell of all the ammonia and bleach I'm using to clean my computer each time my fingers touch a new key.

Yessiree, there are just some times when it would be nice to know that Big Brother is watching. What is it that Ursula down the street does to conceal the bags under her eyes? Nancy sure would like to know, but can the government help her? No, they'd rather spend her taxes on sending people who are barely even sick to the doctor! (And here's the twist: the Nancy in that story was me!)

Not everything should be watched, of course. I couldn't possibly stand for anyone else ever finding out that the 'secret ingredient' in my famous Christmas cookies is just One Heapful Of Extra Butter! But that's no one else's business but mine!

So, the moral of the story is that I'm voting for whoever supports a little more government involvement in things like bad drivers, punks who hang out in the park, and maybe people who look just a little too good for their age. It's too bad the government isn't monitoring this -- they could just make my vote for me, and save me all the trouble!

Nancy Normal is a full-time housewife in Tellersville, PA. She is voluntarily on the government's No Fly List.

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