April Fool's Analysis

Pictured: Pete Dunson

Well, as most of you know, last Monday was April Fool's Day. I'm sure plenty of people got tricked and fooled -- maybe even some of you readers -- and I have to confess that I did, too. But unlike some people, I don't really like April god damn Fool's Day. In fact, I fucking hate it.

I know, I know -- most people love it. And you know, when my buddy Jim from the plant loosened the top of the salt shaker in the break room without me knowing it, causing a mountain of god damn salt to pour right over the Christing top of my fucking hard-boiled egg, I was a little amused at first. I even told Jim so. "That's good, Jim," I told him, laughing a little, and wouldn't you know it, that little fucker started to laugh too, peeling his god damn lips over his stupid-ass buck teeth like a god damn horse.

But then I got to thinking, "You know, that egg would've been a good egg. It would've tasted great after busting your hump all day at this fucking dead-end job, and Christ knows your fucking good-for-nothing bitch of a wife doesn't pack them for you enough." And that's when I realized, readers, that what Jim did wasn't that funny at all. In fact, when you get right down to the meat and fucking potatoes of it, it was downright ob-fucking-noxious.

"Pretty funny, Jim," I said, grabbing him by the back of his scrawny-ass neck and hauling him over to the bathroom. "That's real fucking funny, Jimmy-boy!" Then I smashed the son of a bitch's skull into the wall a few times, and threw him on the freaking floor. Maybe that will teach him a thing or two about thinking Pete Dunson is a god damn fool.

The whole experience sort of took the fun out of the whole April Fool's thing for me, you know? So you can understand me being upset when I got home and discovered that my shitty waste of a wife was planning on pulling the same god damn thing.

"I burnt the pot-roast for tonight, honey," she said when I got in the door after busting my fucking hump at the Jesus Christ plant all day. "I'm sorry."

"What the fuck?" I shouted at her, sitting her on top of the counter. "I want my god damn POT ROAST!"

The old lady started to cry, wouldn't you know it. "It was just an April Fool's joke, Pete," she sobbed. "I thought you might enjoy it."

"Enjoy this," I told her, and threw the god damn stupid set of dinner glasses all over the floor. Then, for irony and everything, I yelled, "APRIL FUCKING FOOL'S!"

So the next time you go to pull an April Fool's gag on someone, just think about it a second. It might be someone who likes it, sure, but it also might be someone like me who will break your fucking spine.

Pete Dunson lives in rural Pennsylvania, and is an active member of his community. Overall, he is a good sport about things.

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