My Computer Is Too God Damned Slow

Pictured: Pete Dunson

Listen, I'm for this whole "Information Age" as much as the next guy, but just lately, my fucking piece of shit computer has really been pissing me the fuck off. If you're looking for some kind of tech talk discussion or something gay like that, you can just go elsewhere, you fucking nerd piece of shit. But if you want to hear how computers affect regular old Average Joes like myself, read on.

The other day, I needed to make a list of things that fucking piss me the Christ off, but I couldn't find any paper, since that stupid bitch of a wife of mine couldn't think to fucking buy any. So, I decided to just type it up on the computer. Boy, was that ever a blunder.

First of all, the thing takes at least 15 motherfucking seconds to turn on, and by Christ, that's not something they tell you at the fucking store when you buy it. I pressed the button and began to type right away, only to see that the piece of shit was still turning on.

"Well what the JESUS FUCK?" I shouted, and hit the piece of shit box with the front of my head. But another fucking shitty ass shit thing about computers is that they are built by the cheapo chink ass Japanese, and so consequently, they aren't fucking durable at all. After the hit with my head, the com-god-damned-puter flickered, and then restarted, making me wait another 15 fucking Jesus Christ seconds. Holy motherfucking crap, I almost had a god damned aneurysm.

So the piece of shit is finally on. I guess I can type now, right? Fucking nope. Because whoever made this Gateway (Gate Ass Fucking Shit Way is more like it) decided that they would screw old Pete Dunson the fuck over by making it almost impossible to find a place to type. When the piece of shit was finally done starting, I tried typing, like any normal person would do. But instead of putting words on the SHIT ASS screen, like it should have, the computer didn't fucking do anything.

"OH MY FUCKING JESUS," I said loudly, and tried to bite through the fucking monitor. While I was doing that, who should come skulking down the stairs but Mrs. I Won't Buy Any Fucking Paper So Old Peteroo Can Look Like A Motherfucking Fool In Front Of The Shit Stupid Ass Computer Fucking Shit. That's right, my wife.

"I heard yelling, Pete," she said in that fucking concerned way. "Is anything the matter?"

"'Is anything the matter?'" I imitated her, trying to make my voice at least half as fucking irritating as hers. "YES, YOU STUPID BITCH, THIS FUCKING COMPUTER IS NOT WORKING AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

"How is it my fault?" she had the fucking gall to ask, beginning to do her baby crying shit.

"DON'T SASS MOUTH ME!" I screamed, and threw the key-shitass-board through the window. I guess my neighbors probably thought something of that, but they can go to hell and kiss my ass.

Long story short, I ended up writing the list on the wall, because Jesus Christ, if I ever touch that computer again, it will be too motherfucking soon. Let that be a lesson to you, unless you're a stupid piece of shit nerd.

Pete Dunson lives in rural Pennsylvania, and is an active member of his community. He has vowed to invent a machine that's better than a fucking computer.

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