The Fourth Of July Is Not About Fucking Fireworks

Pictured: Pete Dunson

You know, I'll be the first to admit that there are a few problems with America. Me and the boys down at the plant don't get paid as much as we should, and I think that's on account of the economy being a stagnant shit. But on the whole, I'd say this is a pretty god damned good country we've got here, and what better way to show it than the Fourth of July?

At least, that's what you'd think, isn't it? You'd think that on the birthday of the entire fucking nation, people would be able to appreciate the god damned country a little bit. But what do they do instead? Watch motherfucking fireworks.

I'll tell you exactly what fireworks have to do with America: shit. On July 4th in 1776, America was fighting the fucking communists, not sitting back and watching pretty bursts of bitching light in the fucking sky. So why in the hell would we do that?

This all occured to me on Thursday, the day before the 4th. I was reading the paper at breakfast, like I do every weekday -- and of course my fucking shrew of a wife was exactly 32 shitting seconds late in bringing it to me, just like she is every day -- when I noticed an article about our town's fireworks display the next day.

"FIREWORKS?" I screamed, throwing my mug of coffee -- whoops, I mean SHIT, thanks a FUCKING MILLION, WIFEY -- against the wall. Of course it shattered, it was made with inferior labor in fucking CHINA. "Would somebody please explain to me why I am reading about this shit?"

"They show fireworks every year on the 4th," said the old ball and RUSTY GOD DAMNED POKING MY LEGS CHAIN. "Don't you remem -- "

Holy shit, did she have an ASSLOAD of nerve. "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I GOD DAMNED REMEMBER!" I interrupted. "What I remember is that America is the greatest country put on the face of the planet by Jesus, and I don't see what the hell FIRE-FUCKING-SHIT-BITCH-WORKS HAS TO DO WITH THAT!"

"It's just tradition, Pete," she said, moisture leaking out of her JEEPERS-CREEPERS-PEEPERS for some F'ED UP reason. "I didn't mean to --"

Just then, who should burst into the room but one of my PROBABLY LIKE 85 kids. "Oh, can we go to see the fireworks?" he said, trying to smile like he had some fucking reason to. "A kid at school said that --"

"DON'T INTERUPT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!" I shouted, cracking my PIECE OF SHIT TOOTH on the plate when I tried to bite it and giving the dentist something to FUCKING WRITE HOME ABOUT. "And a kid at school can take a FLYING SHIT AT THE MOON, BECAUSE FIREWORKS ARE UNAMERICAN!"

Now, normally, I'm a pretty calm guy, so that would've been the end of it. But for some reason, this particular incident was really getting my FUCKING GOAT, if you know what I mean. I decided that it would be a cold day in hell before I let fireworks go on in my fucking town.

So the next night, I ran to the park, where everyone was gathered to watch the fireworks. At first, it was okay, because there was some band playing good old American songs. But after they were done, people started talking guessed it, ASSWORKS.

"I WILL MURDER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU FUCKING ARABS!" I screamed, running around the park and grabbing the blankets that those traitors were sitting their asses on. "GO EAT AN APPLE OR READ THE BIBLE OR SOMETHING ELSE AMERICAN, YOU PIECES OF SHIT!"

For whatever god damned reason, the police arrested me shortly after that, and I had to spend the night in the fucking drunk tank, even though I was only HALFWAY FUCKING LOADED. But even two days in jail wouldn't be too much for me to try and show all of these PINKO hippies that America is the best country in the world, FIRESHITWORKS or not.

Pete Dunson lives in rural Pennsylvania, and is an active member of his community. He cares a lot about America on the fourth of July.

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