Guns Can Be Used For Other Things Besides Shooting

Pictured: Randall Moore

My friends, I love my beloved NRA more than my wife, my kids, and my country. No, as much as my country. Not more. The point is, I love it a hell of a lot. But just lately, I have to admit that I don't think our beloved organization has been doing as much as it could be to promote the usage of guns.

The thing is, guns tend to have a bad name because people always associate them with shooting things, and consequently making them hurt and die. It is true that guns can sometimes on occasion if the planets are aligned in a certain manner lead to the slight wounding of some living things that are too wimpy to have biological protection against projectiles fired at a high rate of speed. But what the NRA needs to emphasize is that guns can be used for many other things besides killing.

For example, I have a lovely little flower garden in the back of my house that consists of old Winchester rifles planted in the ground with daisies growing out of the barrels. That's not killing anyone, and it looks good, to boot! But I bet that's a usage of guns that those rainbow-coloured liberals don't want you to know about. Let me tell you, though, it's a function that guns were practically made for.

Guns are also good for reprimanding your children if they are giving you disciplinary problems. No, my friends, I'm not talking about shooting your kids, which is an option only to be taken in extreme circumstances, such as severe sass-back. But using the stock of your rifle to give your son or daughter an encouraging or discouraging strike every now and then is not only perfectly okay, but a good secondary use for your gun, as well.

For those of you who insist on being able to actually shoot your gun in any secondary activity, consider using your firearm for dislodging tough knots in your shoelaces. Instead of spending precious minutes in the morning fidgeting with tough knots in your combat boots and coming away with no progress, some curses, and hurt fingernails, simply use a small pistol to eliminate the knots with no fuss or muss. Note: be careful to remove your foot from your boot when attempting this, or else making sure that a foot of one of your enemies is occupying the boot during the attempt.

If you're in a tight spot and need to escape quickly, have you ever thought of using your guns? High-speed rifles fired into the ground continuously can actually propel you into the air, giving you the temporary ability to effortlessly fly away from any harmful situations. I have never actually attempted this maneuver, but it's a good security blanket to have whenever I decide to go deer hunting with my four AK-47s.

Finally, for the ultimate party-starter, there's nothing like a gun. Fire a shot into the air to punctuate a good joke, or point out a funny joke that someone else has made. It's also useful if you'd like the host to refill your drink, and can serve as a polite "goodbye" if you need to make a hasty exit. Note: in this situation, also consider the previous suggestion of using your guns as a levitation device to escape.

LIke I said, I don't want to tell a great organization like the NRA how to do its business. But it seems to me that we should be promoting other uses of guns sometimes instead of letting those liberals get away with painting such a negative image of the devices as a "hurtful weapon".

Randall Moore is a leader in the Love For Guns movement. He submitted this column to us on a 500 square foot sheet of paper filled with bullet-hole-generated writing.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: