The Superbowl Would Be Much Better With Guns

Pictured: Randall Moore

Another year, another Superbowl. If you're an American, like me, I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting it, as it is the last big Sunday break before next season from boring, less-important shows like The Simpsons. It's an added bonus if your favorite team is playing, but for most of us, it's all about the experience of watching a whole bunch of ridiculously-overpaid guys smash into each other in order to gain control of an oval-shaped object wrapped in animal skin.

But as good as the Superbowl is, I have an idea to make it better. I'm planning on floating this with the NRA in our next meeting, but I figured I'd share it with my readers first. The idea is this: we need to equip the Superbowl players with guns. I know a lot of those liberals out there who don't know how to have fun unless they're taking guns away from the common man might protest this idea, but when you really think about it, my friends, it makes perfect sense.

The Superbowl is the ultimate final contest in football. I think we can all agree on that. But what does the victorious team receive? A trophy. My friends, how the heck do you think the God-Bless America Army would feel if they knew that while they were fighting, they couldn't die? That their loss would only be punished by not receiving a trophy? Well, the answer is, they would feel the same, because they're fighting for their God-given President and freedom and that's motivation enough for them. But for the Superbowl, it's a little different. These guys need more motivation than just a trophy, and by including guns in the contest, they'll get much more than some lame statue if they win: they'll get to keep their lives.

My rules would not be all wacky and crazy with everybody shooting each other every play, either. They're very carefully thought out, designed to incorporate the use of guns tastefully. For example, if a pass is thrown to a player, a member of the opposite team may shoot his hand in the interests of making him drop the ball. If the gun is shot before the ball is reasonably in sight, a penalty will be called, and the intended receiver will be allowed to shoot two bullets at the offender, in any place of his choosing, except the face. I believe this would significantly deter penalties in the game. Guns deterring crime? That's right, you flaming liberals! Believe it or not!

Guns could also add an element of strategy to the game. Let's say a quarterback handed the ball off to his runningback. Instead of outright shooting the runningback to stop him (which may or may not incur a 5-yard penalty, I haven't decided yet), a defenseman could opt to shoot the ball in his hands, knocking it loose for a possible turnover, or at the very least making it difficult for him to carry. The shooting would also likely surprise the runningback, setting him up for a possible tackle, or "ankle tackle", which is when a defenseman shoots the ankles of the ball-carrier, causing him to fall.

My friends, football is a fantastic game and our nation's current pastime, but if we're not careful, it could go the way of baseball, the nation's former pastime; the game could grow boring and stale, and a bunch of foreigners could start playing and ruin everything. Adding guns helps football gets back to its roots, and solidifies its existence as a truly American sport.

Randall Moore is a leader in the Love For Guns movement. He has also proposed adding guns to baseball and chess.

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