Working Is For Losers And Not Boozers

Pictured: Scott "The Party" Morgan

What up, dudes? I'm back once again to bring you da party, but also kind of, like, a message (no, I didn't say "massage", but ladies, I'm open later! Hahah, what?). Don't worry -- this isn't some kind of political science class (I'm surprised I could even remember the name of that! Haha! Because I drink a lot!). But I do think I have to say something about the spirit of college. It's a spirit a lot of people seem to be forgetting these days.

Like, take the one guy from my math class, for example. I overheard him talking the other day to his friends about how he doesn't have any free time because he's always working, and he has two jobs to pay for his tuition, and blah blah, somebody cry for me because I'm so sad (note: he didn't actually say that last part, I was just making fun of him. Burn!). So what I did was I brought the party right on over to the kid by sticking a beer right up to his mouth (that's right, I always carry one around with me, 'cause you never know when you're going to need it!).

"Christ!" he said, and that fucking faggot probably-gayer-than-gay faggot spit the beer all over the place! I know, talk about being against Jesus!

"Dude," I said, trying to maintain the party but finding myself high-fiving his head a couple of times. "What could possibly be so wrong that you're spitting out beer (make that queer, haha, I just thought of that now but it would've totally been a great burn at the time)?"

"I'm just stressing because of my job," he said, walking away. "Not like you would know anything about that. Later."

Dudes, you're god damn right I don't know anything about that, because only suckers have jobs in college. I mean, even my frat buddy Ox knows that, and he's as dumb as an idiot! (BURNITY BURN BURN!)

Listen: name one classic movie about college that was about the kids going to their boring old jobs and not drinking until they didn't realize they were making out with their one friend, and that's totally not cool at all and very weird, but nobody remembers so it's all good, just don't talk about it. Exactly: there are none. That's because even the moviemakers in Hollywood know that kids go to college to party like it's 1999 (just kidding, Prince is a total fruit! Even an apple! Haha, busted!) and that's it. Yes, there might be some football in there, but I put that in the category of partying. The point is, nowhere in movies like Animal House is there people complaining about going to work. That's because unlike our fine feathered friend from math class (who knows, but it's a burn I bet!), they knew that work and college just don't belong in the same sentence, unless there's something in that sentence that makes them, you negative. Or whatever. Haha, I'm not an English major, dude!

I'll tell you what my job is: partying. I have a responsibility to bring the party to wherever it is I go, and I've been doing that job as hard as I can for nine years strong now. And you know what? I might not have to work as hard at bringing the party if people like the fag-douche from my math class would just bring it for their own damn selves once in a while. I swear, some people are just born with too many alcohols, and that's why there's brain cells to kill them!

The point is this, dudes: there's plenty of time to think about jobs later, after the party. For example, my frat-buddy Grandpa is actually looking for a job right now, because he's been here for 14 years and it's getting to be that time where he's only got a few years before the loan people come and kill him. That's when you maybe get a job. But right now, if you have a sheet of paper, and it says, "What is your job," and you write on the line, "Not partying," you're in trouble. Big trouble. And I'm your boss, and my punishment is this: PARTY HARDY! Now do it!

Scott "The Party" Morgan currently attends college. He is a popular motivational speaker for the banking industry.

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