New Orleans Needs A Party

Pictured: Scott "The Party" Morgan

Dudes! It's been so long since I rapped at 'cha (no, not "chi", this isn't the vital force believed in Taoism and other Chinese thought to be inherent in all things, haha) because those hurricanes really dampened the party mood (notice the major inglish skills, ladies! Haha, just kidding, I doesn't want nerd chicks). But now that that's all over, I have to get to my main point (of my penis! OH SNAP!): it's time to go back down south and bring the party where it is most needed: New Orleans.

Let me say (like you didn't already know) that when disaster strikes, Scott "The Party" Rutherford Morgan will not be far behind to lay down the perfect fiesta, because who needs a party more than victims? These people are victims of poverty, of crime, of natural disasters, and of Not Partying! When somebody says "20 billions dollars from the Federal Government to rebuild infrastructure," I say, "Not unless they throw a bash with that cash!" If someone goes, "Donate to the Red Cross," I say, "No, they're more like the Dead Cross for all the partying they do! Donate brain cells to the city of New Orleans, not hard-earned money that could be used for Partying!" Who in the name of beat-up nerds would want to rebuild city hall when you could be drinking unlimited booze from the building wreckage and dirty water?

And before anyone asks, no, it's not a big deal that the water is dirty or the buildings are in bad shape. Have you seen my dorm room lately (not like I have since I've been drinking so much! Haha, oh man! Also I lost my glasses)? That place is a freaking hole. It makes New Orleans look like the City of Awesome, wherever that is, probably in Europe somewhere. The point is, I think I got malaria the other day when I slept on my bed instead of the slightly-cleaner floor. But do I stop partying? NO. Do I start saying that George Bush doesn't care about white people? NO. Do I poor beer on my bed to kill the mosquito eggs? HELLS YES. New Orleans, are you taking notes? Well don't, because that's for nerds! You should be partying!

This is the only thing that matters: bringing the party back to New Orleans, before it turns into Kansas City or some shit. All of that levee biz and helping the poor can wait, because the first step on the road to recovery is the road that leads to the party (if that sounds all philosophical and shit, it's because it is because I am the philosopher of partying, Partycles)! Just what in the hell is going to happen when Marty Grah comes around and there’s no one partying? Dudes! Did anybody even think about this? Engineers and building guys and electric wire guys and people who actually studied in college might know a lot about whatever, but let me tell you what they failed at: Boozeology 101, starring Professor Party (that's me). And what's lesson one of that class? Write down your name, and three hobbies you have, on this index card. Pass it on up to the front when you're done. It's just a fun way that we'll get to know each other, dudes. We're together for a whole semester. For those of you still don't get it, these guys might have found a way to stop up the water, but they have no plans for raining down the party again.

You don't need to know your history to know that New Orleans needs help. I mean, heck, the only thing I know about New Orleans is what I've seen from Girls Gone Wild, Part 10 (haha, what do I have to do to get a job with those guys? Haha, I'M SERIOUS I NEED TO BE THE HOST OF THOSE VIDEOS EMAIL ME PLZ), and I can't think of anything else that I need to know! 1.) Girls kiss each other and show their chest gophers when there is a party. 2.) New Orleans does not have the party right now. See the problem, Einstein? (Haha, just kidding, if you really were Einstein you'd see the problem right away.) Plus, I heard that there's this whole place called the French's Corner where the girls are even more likely to flash their geometric equations expressing dual spherical globules and the party is non-stop 24-8 – that's the "cultural heritage" we need to preserve.

Darn it, this is a time for unity! A unity to party! And what and inspires unity better than a keg? That's right – nothing! Nothing besides maybe two kegs (not that math is important, but I'll bet three kegs would inspire even more unity than two, but I'm no professor, BURN!). I'm talking about helping the good people of New Orleans by getting down our hands and knees (from lots of alcohol, not like planting flowers or habitat for humanity or throwing bags of sand or that shiznit). We can do this, dudes. We can bring the party. We have the technology.

I know what you're saying – this is old news, right? No more flooding, no more levees breaking, right? They might have called off the search for bodies, but they're going to have to start a new search for casualties of the gigundo hurricane of a party we're going to unleash. Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita, look out: here comes Hurricane Morgan. Burn! Flood!

Scott "The Party" Morgan currently attends college. He hates hurricanes.

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