Ask A Real Doctor: Edition 4
Many readers of The Enduring Vision may not realize it, but the founder of this paper -- i.e., me (i.e., the person writing this) -- is a certified doctor in Psychology! That's right, I founded this fine newspaper after a failed bid to become the richest head-doctor on the East Coast. Now, I bring my real brain-medicine-thing to you.
Read on below to see the results of me helping distressed readers.
Dr. Josh,
Is it normal to be attracted to animals, or people in animal costumes? That's pretty normal, right? - Furryious in Fulton
Dear Furryious,
I'm afraid this is a grave condition that's far from normal. When you look at a cat, you should never think that its slender hips and sensual stride are somehow beckoning you near, offering you purity and innocence not found in the humans who so cruelly reject you. If you were a respected practicing therapist and people found out that you felt this way, you could lose your license!
Dear Dr. Josh,
Ever since I fell out of that tree a few trees ago, I've been feeling a little under the weather. My head is filled with pain, and my arm seems to be bending incorrectly. I'm even coughing up blood! Could your psycho-doctor skills help me figure out what's tree? - Sick in St. Louis
Dear Sick,
Although your problem does exceed my medical training, you made a good first move in coming to the internet to try and diagnose yourself. I would try asking your question on a message board community and see what a few regular joes think about your condition. Chances are, you'll find a home remedy of corn oil and pieces of clover to fix you right up.
To Dr. Fussypants:
You missed a puurrrfect evening at the convention last weekend! Where were you? I even wore a shiny new collar just for you! Are you ashamed of me or my tiger stripes? - Rodger Cat
Rodger,
This sounds like a problem that you may want to keep in private. I don't know why this webpage keeps publishing letters automatically. I can't delete this.
Doctor,
MEOW MEOW KITTY NEEDS SEX - SexCat Sexy
Dear SexCat,
FUUUUUCKKKKKK
