I Am Better Than All Of You
Surprisingly, there are other websites out there besides The EV -- some of them even worth visiting once in a while. One such site was I Hate You, a hilarious endeavor run by former EV staff member Alex, who fled our offices long ago when we asked him what country he was from.
Unfortunately, the site has since been lost to the sands of time. Fortunately, though, some of its article live on through The Enduring Vision. In this article, EV owner and editor-in-chief Josh explains how much better he is than the I Hate You's staff. Enjoy!
As a famous man once said, there are only three things that are certain in this world: death; the fact that there is always some variant of Star Trek on television at any given time; and finally, the irrefutable truth that I, Josh, am a much better human being than any other staff member here at I Hate You.
Oh, they may try to deny it, I'm sure. I anticipate many strange arguments from them, each one more stupid than the last. Things like, “But you don't have any proof, Josh!” or “I have written a great deal more for iHY than you have, Josh!” or even “Josh, I'm pregnant and I think you may be the father!” To all of these arguments (or as I like to call them, wrongguments), I have one word: shut. Then, I have another word, to be added on to the first one: the fuck up. That's right, staff members (or as I like to call you, loser members): I'm much better than all of you, and now I'm going to go down the list and tell you why.
Staff member: Trevor Strunk
#1 Reason why I'm better than him: His Hair
In case you didn't notice, Trevor has long, luxurious curly locks. Ordinarily, you might think this is a good thing, as evidenced by successful curly-haired people such as Elijah Wood and popular bands like Poison and Rat. In Trevor's case, however, his hair has actually entwined itself into his brain, impeding his ability to think and function like a normal human being. Consequently, he is often prone to randomly say “hair” during his sentences, and occasionally even play with it in his damn, dirty hands.
I, on the other hand, have relatively short hair, ensuring that my brain is running at maximum capacity. Take that, Trevor. Or should I say Trevor's hair?
#2 Reason why I'm better than him: His bass guitar
Trevor likes to masquerade as a rock star by wielding a bass guitar, as you can see in the picture I have provided. I say “masquerade” because bass guitars, contrary to what many people think, only have four strings, three and a half of which are never used. Translation: anybody can play a bass guitar, and playing a bass guitar does not require any talent, as illustrated by relatively talent-less bass guitarists of the past, such as John Entwistle.
And me? I play a regular guitar. That's six strings, and the last time I checked, in this great country of ours, six is a higher number than four. What does this mean? I am better.
#3 Reason why I'm better than him: His glasses
Stop and ask yourself this question: what kind of person would wear glasses? If you thought “stupid computer nerd”, you're right, but the other kind of person who would wear them is, quite simply, a person with dysfunctional eyes. Eyes that are less than perfect. Eyes that are inferior. Now look at this picture and tell me who is wearing these eye crutches? Why, could it be Trevor?
Now in this picture, you will see me. Notice how there are no strange, stupid circles around my eyes. This is because my eyes constantly see at approximately 1/1, which is twenty times better than 20/20, the current perfect standard of vision. Sorry, Trevor. I win again.
