Welcome To The Ranks Of The Unemployed, Part II

Pictured: some guy being out of work

Have you recently parted ways with the oppressive establishment in order to lead a more fulfilling life? If you answered yes, no, you haven't. You're just out of work. Welcome!

In this continuing feature, I, Dr. Richard Black, will help new initiates and old hands alike as they navigate through the pitfalls of our nation's burgeoning welfare state.

Developing A Successful Drinking Regimen

I'd first like to apologize for the delay in returning to my work here. I've recently been spending an undue amount of time as a consultant for the emotionally overwrought executives at General Motors and Chrysler, many of whom are still employed, but deeply troubled and sad.

Let us never forget that the world of unemployment is a two-sided coin; for every three or four thousand laid off union members who will no longer be installing seatbelt warning lights, there's an executive who has to bear the horrible burden of firing them. They, too, are deserving of my help -- perhaps more deserving, when you think about it in a certain way (i.e., involving money).

Anyway, let's get down to business. Our topic today will be devoted to the successful development a robust drinking regimen. As referenced in my previous installment, boredom is the first step on a downward slope towards reintegration into society and gainful employment. In order to nip this tendency in the bud, I have developed a program of regular alcohol consumption, perfected through years of comprehensive research with help from the Jim Beam Foundation, which will allow you to marinate your mind until it is truly capable of dealing with the rigors of your new employment status.

1.) Start Small (Beer), End Big (Toilet Cleanser)

Pictured: poison control logos you should ignore.
Above: don't be discouraged by labels like these. They're mostly just for show.

Start the day with a beverage you're familiar with and stick to it. If you start the day with a Bloody Mary, finish with a Bloody Mary, perhaps by using it as a toothpaste of sorts (alcohol is a principle ingredient in many mouthwashes, so if you think about it, it makes more sense than almost anything).

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You're not a college fratboy anymore -- you're an adult with a job to do: avoiding a job. The key is to find an optimum level of inebriation, one that allows you to function at a basic level while ignoring the yawing black void that has become your life.

Once you've established a routine, I'd encourage you to do some experimentation with various liquors and industrial solvents. I personally enjoy wiling away the afternoon by working my way through a case of beer, but others prefer partaking in the more exotic shots of vodka and varnish every few hours.

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