EV @ The Movies: Gods And Generals

While perusing the movie choices recently in The Commercial Appeal, the local daily paper in Memphis, I noticed a movie quoted to be "the best war movie of all time." My jaw immediately dropped, sphincter becoming unglued, and I gaped in astonishment at the outrageous claim being made. Could any modern movie be the best? Compared to such classic greats as "The Seventh Seal" and "Citizen Kane" any new movie has a lot to live up to. Could this movie actually be the best?

It was.

Rushing to the local Cineplex, I purchased two movie tickets so my fat ass could be comfortable because I expected it to be sold out since it is "the best war movie of all time". Unfortunately, I could have saved some money and only purchased one since I was the only one in the theatre.

As I entered the building, I noticed a horde of oddly-dressed men signing autographs. Were they dressed in the newest vintage Abercrombie attire? No! They had REAL Civil War uniforms on, as they were part of a reenactment group located here in Collierville, TN.

Because they were obviously movie stars, I got them all to sign my chest with a sharpie marker since I had nothing else for them to sign. Luckily, because I'm such a fat ass, my chest was large enough to fit all 50 signatures on it, and also luckily, I don't wash myself.

Finally, I went in the theatre to view "the best war movie of all time." It opened with a still photo of the biggest bad ass ever, Stonewall Jackson. As the camera slowly zoomed in, "Dixie," the best song ever, began playing. It serenaded my soul and made me think about how much southern pride I have. I mean, the south is bad. Ass.

After that, the rest of the movie was a cartoon. I don't know why those dudes were at the front of the theatre signing autographs because they weren't even in it. But they certainly looked pimpin' out there with their gray uniforms and rebel flags.

Anyways, so there were these gods. And there were some generals. They fought, but only the bad ass Southern ones were any good at fighting. Robert E. Lee vs. Ganesh, the Indian of Grace. Ra, the Egyptian God of war vs. Stonewall Jackson. George Washington vs. Ares, the Greek God of War. And finally, Alexander the Great vs. Jesus Christ almighty. And all of the human southerners won.

The South used special moves like forward forward high punch that ended up killing Ares. Jesus fell to that Mississippian Alexander by his use of back back low punch, which sends a spear connected to a rope into his throat.

After the fighting was all over, the South flew the stars and bars and everybody killed a black person.

All of a sudden in the middle of the fighting, that faggot Abe Lincoln let all the slaves free. I mean, what the hell, why'd he have to do that? How are the Southern bad asses going to get there cotton picked?

Then, the climax came, and I cried. And not just pussy tears, some real puddles. I don't want to spoil the movie for you, but what happened was the bad ass died. Dude, no, none of the gods were able to kill him. And hell no, no yankee got him either. He just died because he was so badass. I mean, you can't possibly live that long if you're that pimp. Its just not possible.

NE wayz, since that was so sad, the movie ended there, save one more scene.

All the slaves started running away, so of course, some hosses dressed like ghosts with sweet hoods on started chasing them. When they finally caught em', they lynched em'. Dumb slaves. They should have known not to mess with the South.

Overall Rating: A+

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