EV @ The Movies: War Of The Worlds

There is one thing you need to keep in mind when you go to see War Of The Worlds: Tom Cruise is a nut. I did it, and it put the entire movie into perspective for me. The perspective that it's crazy and weird, like Tom Cruise is.

Did you see him on Oprah a little while ago? Did you see how he was jumping around? He's not right. He's out of his mind. And this is the person they got to star in War Of The Worlds! That's like me getting Charles Manson as a babysitter after I found out he was a psychopath! Tom Cruise, on the other hand, probably likes Charles Manson.

You can tell when you're watching it, too, that he's completely batshit insane. You can just tell. When the alien machine first climbs out of the ground, and everyone and Tom Cruise is watching, it's obvious that there's one thing going through Tom Cruise's mind: "This is real. It's all real, and I'm not in a movie." That's right, he thought that. He's crazy.

It's the Scientology that did it. Did you hear that Tom Cruise had a Scientology tent set up on the War Of The Worlds set at all times? Let me tell you something, it shows while you're watching the movie. I don't mean you can actually see the tent, because Steven Spielberg is a good director and he managed to edit it out of the scenes using computer graphics, but you can see its influence, making everything crazy and weird, just like old Tom Cruise.

Pictured: Tom Cruise and a monster
Above: A deleted scene from War Of The Worlds

The original story of War Of The Worlds is a novel written by H.G. Wells, and it's a calm, reasonable tale about some people who develop a theory about aliens, but in the end it was just an error in their math. So why is this movie about aliens who drive tripods around and shoot lasers -- both things that aren't even real except for in Tom Cruise's crazy, weird mind? I'll tell you why, and it's not because it's Hollyweird and they're just out for money (although that is part of the problem). The reason is Tom Cruise.

Did you hear he doesn't like people taking medicine for their mental problems? Did you hear that? DID YOU HEAR THAT IN THE NEWSPAPERS AND ON TELEVISION. I saw it on VH1. They made a joke about him, and I laughed. I laughed because of how weird he is, and because I knew it would be in War Of The Worlds, but I went and saw the movie anyway. And guess what? The aliens died because they were infected by our germs...germs that Tom Cruise refuses to treat with medicine! The original ending was probably something that makes more sense and would've been more exciting to watch, like Tom Cruise steals a tank from the military and figures out the aliens' secret weakness that nobody else knew, and right before he shot them he'd be like, "Tanks for the memories." That would've been cool. Instead, however, we get strange, bizarre scientology nonsense from someone weird and crazy. Hmm, now I forget who it was...oh wait, I don't forget at all. It was Tom Cruise.

He also said that he believes aliens exist. He said that! He said that he thinks it's presumptuous to assume that out of the entire vastness of the universe the Earth is the only planet that ever contained life. Guess what, Tom Cruise? It's not presumptuous at all and you're crazy. If aliens exist so much, why don't they appear in my house in a time machine? You're a nutcase.

While I watched this movie, I took notes of all the crazy things that Tom Cruise did as proof of his craziness. 00:03:49: Made a weird face. 00:64:40. Tried to keep his son from joining the military. 00:70:42. Talked to known liberal Tim Robbins. 00:practically every scene in the movie:00: Believed aliens are real and that Steven Spielberg is an alien. I am planning on mailing this list to VH1 for them to comment on. I'm sure they will. It seems right up their alley.

In the end, War Of The Worlds becomes just what we'd all expect from a lunatic like Tom Cruise: a lunatic movie for lunatics. If you like this movie, you're most likely a Scientologist who doesn't even believe in watching movies in the first place. You're crazy. I'm calling the newspapers.

Overall Rating: 'F' for 'Frazy'

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: