Accepting Lousy Gifts: What Can YOU Do?

Concluding our trilogy on holiday advice (be sure to catch the previous two installments, Holiday Shopping and Visiting Family Over The Holidays), The Enduring Vision is here to bring you what is possibly our most useful advice yet: how to tactfully treat a gift you don't actually want. Believe it or not, there are rules and etiquette for these situations. Not that you'll find any of that here. I'm just saying, there are.

- Silently pick gift up by one finger and throw in trash while holding nose
This polite-but-effective gesture will let the gift-giver know they've given you something that you find offensively bad.

- Eat gift, exclaiming, "This is good candy!"
This will both dispose of the stupid gift as well as making the gift-giver feel nice that their present has gotten good use. Note: if gift is candy, do something else.

- Quickly become gay
Homosexuals, by nature, are not permitted to accept gifts. Your friends and relatives will be sure to appreciate your lifestyle change and act accordingly. Note: consider grabbing Uncle Earl/Aunt Martha and kissing him/her to confirm your declaration.

- Ask gift-giver what in the fuck they were thinking
Communication is the key to any relationship: the sooner you find out why you've been given the gift in question, the sooner you can begin explaining why that was a stupid fucking reason to buy it.

- Set fire to house
After everything in your house -- including the unwanted gift -- burns, you can express regret at your loss, while secretly being overjoyed that you're rid of it. Note: be wary of tricky insurance policies that will attempt to give you money to replace the gift. If possible, cancel these troublesome nuisances before setting the fire.

- Quickly become Martin Lawrence
Martin Lawrence is so annoying, no sane human being would ever want to give him a present. You'll find your unwanted gift revoked immediately. Caution! This tip may also result in the loss of desired gifts/friends/jobs/life.

- Urinate on giver's head
This is the universal symbol for polite dislike, and will send your misguided gift-giver a message: thanks, but this is unsatisfactory. Please do better next time.

- Shout, "Oh, my circuits are overloaded with niceness!" and fall over
Once the gift-giver realizes you are a robot with sensitive emotional chips, he or she will quickly take their present back to bring you back to life. Note: beware of gift-giving robots, who are able to sense their own kind and will thus easily see through your ruse.

- Watch "Titanic"
This inspirational story of a boat crashing will teach you that if worst comes to worst, you can pretend to be a painter and make some girl take her clothes off in front of you...then throw the crappy gift at her.

- Change colors and blend into the floor until everyone leaves
Note: if you cannot change colors, shoot yourself.

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