Avoiding Hurricanes: What Can YOU Do?

With the powerful Hurricane Rita about to hit Texas, the new residence of many people who left Louisiana to get away from Hurricane Katrina, some are beginning to wonder if this is the start of a new era of killer hurricanes -- storms that chase certain groups of people they don't like around, eventually killing them. The answer is yes. Luckily, there are some measures that can be taken to throw these tenacious twisters (of water) off your tail. Take a tander (Texan for "gander")!

- Purchase large fake mustache and putty nose
WIth a clever disguise, no hurricane will be able to recognize you, and it will move on to the next person on its list. Bonus tip: also consider giving the storm a fake name, such as "Mr. Slam" or "Mrs. Donut". If your name is already Slam or Donut, submit yourself to the hurricane.

- Eat Raisin Bran to summon giant sun
As he comes down to tell you about two scoops of raisins, the inflated sun will get close enough to the Earth to evaporate the hurricane. If the hurricane somehow survives, it won't matter because the sun will have long since scorched the skin from your bones.

- Stop living near large bodies of water
Contrary to popular belief, hurricanes get most of their power from the water, with the remaining power coming from Greyskull. As a result, most people living in a state like Kansas do not normally get many hurricanes, with the exception of those living in Greyskull, Kansas.

- Make sure Bush administration continues pro-global warming policies
Global warming increases the severity of hurricanes, so if there is enough of it, eventually all of Earth will be consumed by one giant hurricane, making you not feel so bad about being picked on.

- Quickly spin around in circles to summon tornado
The tornado is the natural enemy of the hurricane, and the two will fight to the death, allowing you ample time to escape. Note: if tornado and hurricane become friends, suggest they get married, wait for a few years, and then escape when the fighting about how much time the tornado spends at the office begins.

- Rocket into space
Hurricanes can not survive in space. You will be safe there. Note: beware of space hurricanes, which is another name for black holes. These are like Earth hurricanes, but far more deadly.

- Remain in house and don't do anything
Stand up for yourself. Be a man. Don't leave the house that you grew up in. If your father was alive, he'd want you to stay. Mandatory evacuation is probably just a suggestion for some people. These are the things you can tell yourself as the hurricane is killing you.

- Sing song, "Love In An Elevator"
This catchy Aerosmith tune will remind you that often in elevators, funky, sexual things can happen.

- Declare war on volcanoes
This doesn't sound like it makes much sense or helps the situation, but most people will go for it at first if you present it to them in the right way.

- Accept hurricane and know federal authorities will quickly help
You can't run forever, but you can take comfort in the fact that whatever happens, your tax dollars will buy you quick, efficient relief from the federal government. It's what you paid for!

- Remember that you have nothing to fear but fear itself
This means that when you stop being a pussy and get over the hurricane, it will cease to affect you.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: