Being Thankful: What Can YOU Do?

Pictured: a morbidly obese man is thankful for food.

It's Thanksgiving once again, which means the time has come for all U.S. citizens to try and quickly pass out from food exhaustion before having to endure too much bullshit from their families. But is this magical holiday about anything else?

The answer is no -- at least, not until you've read our guide, which explains in detail what to be thankful for during this joyous occasion.

- Be ungrateful for everything until Thanksgiving
By downplaying and ignoring everything that is potentially good in life at all other times of the year, your thankfulness on Thanksgiving will be accentuated. Establish that life sucks, you don't give a shit about the troops, and you're barely able to tolerate your wife's crappy food. Then, give thanks for food, family and the U.S. armed forces on Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving only.

- Thank God for things you clearly did on your own
The best way to be thankful is by attributing everything positive in your life to your god of choice, regardless of whether or not He/She had anything to do with it. Try thanking God for the delicious turkey on the table, despite the fact that it did not simply appear out of thin air, and was in fact purchased by you or a loved one from the grocery store with money.

- Watch annual Thankful Football Game
Although you may not know or care who is playing (it's something like the Detroit Tigers vs. the Green Bay Pacers), it's your Thanksgiving duty to express your gratitude towards being an American by idly watching a football game that has no bearing on your life, or the outcome of the NFC North.

- Suggest that President Obama is a socialist
Your family will appreciate your dedication to American ideals when you deride the President for his anti-American and pro-Marxist policies, such as renewable energy and a strict, unyielding policy of killing senior citizens.

- Feel vague thanks towards Indians, something something pilgrims, Mayflower
At some point hundreds of years ago, Native Americans and pilgrims got together and created Thanksgiving somehow -- probably around the same time as the Declaration of Independence and Martin Luther King day. This act enabled you to be home from work on a Thursday, so you should give this a brief and unfocused thought as you are eating things.

- Make unfounded claims about the opportunity and wonder of America
Most modern industrialized nations offer their citizens very similar life opportunities and privileges, but don't let this stop you from having a few glasses of wine and making an awkward speech about your thankfulness for this great land. Encourage guests to imagine how terrible their lives might be if they had instead been born in France, England, or Mozambique.

- Ruin Thanksgiving
By urinating all over the turkey and setting the kitchen on fire, you'll encourage your family to realize that above all, they should be thankful that they have each other. This is the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Bonus: can also be applied to Christmas and Veteran's Day.

- Attempt to kill self in order to be visited by Thankful Spirits
Right before you pull the trigger, or tighten the noose around your neck as you firmly take your penis in hand, your impending death will be interrupted by friendly-yet-sassy ghosts who want to show you all the things you have to be grateful for. By the end of this one hour special, you'll understand how important it is to give thanks. Note: if your suicide is accidentally carried out, simply reincarnate as a baby somewhere and try again in 30 years.

- Never rely on anything for anything
If you've lived your life independently enough, you'll have no obligation to issue thanks. Watch out for hidden favors that may trap you into gratitude situations, such as a cashier offering to ring you up, or the newspaper listing job offers for you. Caution: avoid helping yourself.

- Loudly say, "I know what I'm thankful for: all my pornography."
Your off-color joke will communicate a serious point: everyone enjoys an enormous amount of pornography all year long, but rarely are we thankful for it. Bonus: suggest replacing family videos and slideshows with a montage of everyone's favorite money shots.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: