Fixing A Blown Valentine's Day: What Can YOU Do?

Pictured: a helpful message for Valentine's Day.

Okay, so your Valentine's Day didn't go exactly as you had planned. It's not always as simple as forgetting it entirely -- maybe you got her flowers that she is allergic to, and she died. When she is eventually reincarnated and meets up with you again, she (or he, during this go-around) may be sore with you. Don't be one of the losers who spends February 15th in the doghouse or in the grave in retribution -- read our tips and stay in the game. Note: these tips are written to men assuming they are dating women, because gay people are not real citizens and are not recognized by the Internet, and women are too silly and occupied in the kitchen to give valentines.

- Put on Cupid outfit and shoot her with bow & arrow
As your magical arrow pierces your significant other's brain, she will realize what she forgot: that you love her. Bonus tip: afterwards, don't forget to partake in the sex you have earned!

- Explain that original Valentine's Day involved goat sacrifice and running priests
She'll understand immediately that in the interests of being historically accurate, it would be completely inappropriate to buy chocolates or flowers. Caution: beware of girlfriends or wives who enjoy goat sacrifice and running priests.

- Call her "the old ball and chain"
This will let her know that you secretly regard her as an annoyance and something constantly holding you back, and that consequently you'd rather not buy her anything.

- Buy chocolates and/or flowers
This thoughtful, original gift will melt her heart and make her realize that she's being a huge bitch by being angry with you. If you have already bought these things for her, buy more. Bonus tip: when she is happy, remind her that she was being a huge bitch and that you are awesome.

- Enact new "Period Present" program
To smooth things over, offer to buy her a present every time she experiences her monthly menstruation, during which time you should repeatedly congratulate her for being able to bleed so well. Caution: beware of present backfiring for no logical reason and causing her to cry and hate you.

- Kill the children, then ask, "How can you think about Valentine's Day at a time like this?"
If you do not currently have children, start a fight about why you don't.

- Explain that she is just not special enough yet
Valentine's Day gifts should not be handed out willy-nilly to every person who happens to have breasts and a vagina. If your girlfriend or wife has not earned her gift, she can only try harder over the coming 12 months and hope for the best the following year.

- Explain that money was already spent on woman you are having an affair with
Like most men, you probably have a limited budget set aside for the old V-Day, and once that's spent, it's gone. Caution: if you are not currently having an affair, you're being a pussy.

- Paint giant hearts on her car, clothing, face
This will not only solve your current Valentine's Day, but ensure that she never wants to celebrate it ever again.

- Leave corpse as "ultimate Valentine"
Killing yourself will allow you to express the ultimate in romantic sentiments. Caution: this gift can be given only once and will require you to think of new ideas for subsequent years.

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