Picking A Democratic Candidate: What Can YOU Do?

If you're planning to vote Democrat this year, you're probably feeling overwhelmed right now. Although some candidates have dropped out of the race, seven still remain -- some of which are actually viable! But even though it's easy to be confused, The Enduring Vision is here to help you through it with some helpful tips on how to think.

- Avoid looking Howard Dean directly in the eyes
Most analysts agree he will go berserk and attack.

- Woman voters: decide who is most attractive
Many women pick a candidate based on appearance, so ladies, start thinking now. Hint: it's not Dennis Kucinich.

- Carefully follow progress of voters in other states, then mimic them
America is founded on a system of majority ruling. Don't be the sucker that votes for someone unpopular.

- Remember to vote
As Howard Dean will tell you, there are many people who support a candidate enthusiastically, but fail to write their state's primary date on their calendar. Don't be one of these folks.

- Don't pick Joe Lieberman
Remember, you're looking for Democratic candidates.

- Consider Wesley Clark's vast wealth of political experience
We don't want to give a bias to any candidate, but this is an important factor.

- Be wary of new Democratic candidate "Beorge W. Gush"
This person is likely Republican George W. Bush in a clever disguise designed to grab your Democratic vote. Don't let him get away with such political trickery.

- Avoid accidentally squishing Dennis Kucinich
Due to his diminutive size, Dennis Kucinich may be behind you or underneath you without you realizing it. Watch your step, and listen carefully for screaming about Iraq and NAFTA, widely known to be Kucinich's mating call.

- Obtain bumper sticker, "I support voting!"
Good if you can't make up your mind, but still want to let people know you're a part of Democracy.

- Place names in hat, then draw
This will be your candidate. Consider multiple drawings if you want to make it more exciting and fun.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: