Celebrating St. Patrick's Day: What Can YOU Do?

Pictured: an authentic Irishman.

St. Patrick's Day: a time when the Irish and non-Irish alike gather to celebrate the man who was born somewhere along the west coast of Britain, in the tiny village of Bannavem of Taburnia, which he called "vico banavem taburniae". But while virtually all of those who celebrate know the man the holiday was named after, few know what to do about it. Draw flattering pictures of him? Attempt to channel him psychically? This handy guide should help steer you in the right direction and make you the life of the party.

- Dye blood green
There's no better way to show that you're a St. Patrick's enthusiast than by drinking enough green dye that your blood becomes a healthy green color. Remember: you must bleed for people to appreciate your feat. Try cutting your arm and smearing blood all over an attractive fellow celebrator, shouting, "MY BLOOD IS GREEN."

- Drink large quantities of water
Water is believed to have been Saint Patrick's primary beverage of choice, so show your appreciation by buying a few bottles and hitting the town. Caution: beware of beer, or "fermented water", which will cause you to lose focus in your admiration and celebration of Saint Patrick.

- Loudly announce vague, small Irish heritage to everyone
This will make everyone realize that in a way, thanks to someone who had Irish blood in them hundreds of years ago marrying your cousin, you are just as Irish as anyone in Irishland.

- Discuss the merits and drawbacks of missionary work, and, tangentially, imperialism
Saint Patrick made converting people to Christianity his mission, but in today's world, is this a good philosophy to follow? Why or why not? Your friends will enjoy hearing your answers and providing their own. Bonus tip: if your friends appear uninterested, attempt to convert them, using only language and words that Saint Patrick would have.

- Stop non-Irish from any celebrating
This is not a holiday for non-believers. Ask for Irish authentication from anyone you see celebrating, and use physical force to stop the celebration if none is provided. Caution: if you are not Irish, you may be required to be beaten and/or die. Accept this gracefully in the spirit of the holiday.

- Throw potatoes at people's faces
Irish people will remember all too well the pain of the Irish potato famine that happened just 160 years ago, and will eagerly attempt to catch the sweet starch in their mouths. Bonus tip: a gun for firing the potatoes will allow you to help more people at a faster rate.

- Have sex with Irish person
Haha, you banged an Irish person...on Saint Patrick's Day! Dude, that's ironic.

- Dig up Saint Patrick and pretend that he is still alive
You'll have lots of misadventures with your corpse buddy, especially when nobody knows he's dead but you! Bonus tip: girls will most likely want to party with you when they see this old, decayed Irish dude hilariously wearing a tye-dye shirt and sunglasses. Accept their advances.

- Watch "Leprechaun 4: In Space"
This frighteningly realistic horror movie will make you realize that we can never let Irish people into outer space.

- Give up
Don't feel pressured into trying to remember the intricacies and mythos of this ancient, sacred holiday -- let other people celebrate while you just hit the bars. Caution: beware of St. Patrick's Day celebrators, who will attempt to stop you from drinking and insist that you share in their boring festivities.

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