Making The Most Of Your Summer: What Can YOU Do?

Summer is just about upon us, and whether you're in high school, college, or out in the workplace, the season is sure to bring you something special, whether it's a whole three months off or a precious weekend or two to yourself. But with so much to do, it can be hard to figure out the best way to spend your time. Luckily for you, The Enduring Vision is here to take care of all the hard stuff for you.

- Avoid breaking bones
Although it may seem like a good idea, snapping your ribs or an arm will probably significantly reduce your summer enjoyment.

- Party with the sun from the Raisin Bran box
With his happy smile and sunglasses, you know the Raisin Bran sun is full of awesome, rockin' summer fun. To contact him, stare directly at him until he notices you.

- Install solar panels on self
This will help you fully utilize the power of the summer sun while eliminating your irritating, time-consuming need for food.

- Swim at local public pool
Nothing says summer like squeezing through a 400 pound woman in a polka dotted swim suit and a crowd of urinating children.

- Host cookout wearing humorous apron, "Kiss the chef"
Even if you don't get any kisses, your guests will all still be tickled at your clever sense of humor. This will also detract attention from your charred, mangled burgers.

- When asked how you are, explain you are "summerific"
This reply will accurately characterize your state of being, as well as making your friends respect your impressive vocabulary.

- Avoid sun block, the bane of summer
Stopping to put on greasy, smelly sun block will only take time away from summer plans. Plus, your sunburn and eventual cancer, or "patches of courage", will be valuable reminders of all the fun you once had.

- Don't get any time off because that jackass Johnson took away your vacation time since it's "crunch time" and he'll "make it up to you later" even though you know it'll never be back
For you, special warrior of the summer, your summer fun will be the quiet dignity of a job well-done. Thank you for keeping the world running while the rest of us are on vacation.

- Watch "Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Summer Vacation"
This animated feature about talking farm animals driving in cars will show you just how much fun you could be having if you were a talking animal.

- Stay inside in the air conditioning
Remember, summer is the only time of year where having the air conditioning on is appropriate. Don't waste it.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: