Taking Care Of Children: What Can YOU Do?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes having a "child", Britney Spears and K-Fed almost killing theirs -- with so much small-adult (not midgets, the other thing) news lately, it's enough to make anyone ask, "What are these chyld-dren?" But kids are actually less complicated than you think -- just check out our tips. They're written by someone who has no kids, so you're sure to get a bias-free report. Enjoy!

- Never, ever have children
The first step towards properly taking care of kids is to never have them. If you have a child, you will most likely screw it up somehow, and worse, it will end up costing you child support money and eventually prison bail. Note: if you already have children, never talk to them again.

- Force children to have own children
This will teach your kids a valuable lesson: taking care of kids is hard, so why don't they cut you some god damned slack every now and then. As a bonus, having to take care of their own kids means your children will have less time to annoy you with frivolous requests for money and food. Note: if your kids are too young to have their own kids, quickly have a child of your own and pass it off as your child's child.

- Treat your child as an extension of yourself
In the 20th century, scientists discovered genetics, which tells us that our children are actually just little mini-clones of us. This is why cloning is so opposed -- it would be redundant and stupid. If your child wants to do something -- i.e., stage a military coup against the government -- consider whether or not you would enjoy doing that, or watching it from a safe distance. If so, you would be cruel and possibly even arrestable to tell your mini-clone no.

- Use time travel to skip over boring and/or troublesome years of child's life
Let's face it: kids only have one or two total years of being tolerable people. Witness key moments like walking and pretending to be blind to get a stranger's money for you, then skip to the part where they move away and you talk briefly every other weekend.

- Use bleach effectively
Most good parents got to where they are by remembering that bleach is a great all-purpose tool for raising children: most kids below the age of 12 love the smell and find that it lulls them to sleep, and children of any age will enjoy rolling around the container, then laughing with delight and surprise when it finally breaks open. Caution: bleach can stain your carpet and furniture. Be sure to lock your kids into a designated "Bleach Room" to minimize mess.

- Euthanize in 15th year
Right around this time, your child will become your worst enemy, and will be a constant source of misery and fuckery for you. This is a sign that your child's life has come to its natural end. Do the humane thing. It's what your parents would've done for you if they lived in the free society we have today.

- Employ "Farting Discipline" method
A classical behavioral training mechanism, this involves firmly grasping your child's head and placing it directly under your anus while farting. If done immediately after the child misbehaves, one or two sessions will straighten out even the most delinquent of children. Caution: beware of smaller rebellious children, who will try and use the opportunity to scurry into your body and control you as a puppet.

- Read magazines
Parenting magazines draw on the collective wisdom of perfect adults everywhere to create a pool of knowledge on how to best raise your child in accordance with what someone else thought of for their kid. Scientifically, it's extremely unlikely to fail.

- Watch "Home Movies"
A particular episode of this cult favorite TV show will teach you an important lesson: that you should not kill your children by running then over, but rather let them live their lives, and let them grow older.

- Realize children aren't real
New evidence increasingly suggests that children are yet another invention of women to use as an excuse to not make dinner or have sex with you. If you see a child, it is likely a woman in disguise, or a robot.

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