White People Protect Holiday Rights Of Minorities, Refuse To Sell Them Christmas Trees

As the Holidays approach, many white Americans are finding it more difficult to rectify their race's horrific historical treatment of minorities, meaning African-Americans and the Jews. Such collective guilt has led to new initiatives, sponsored by the American Civil Liberties Union and their pack of rabid lawyers, to "help minorities feel better about themselves" during the holidays.

Many local shopkeepers have begun refusing to sell Christmas trees to people who appear "like a minority". This includes Jews, blacks, orientals, queers and illegal immigrants from Mexico.

"Jewish people have historically been oppressed by whites," said Julius Benjamin Rosenthal, a lawyer for the ACLU. "So why should televisions be showing Christmas trees and white snowmen for the holidays? Where are the menorahs, the matzah, the schachalem, the rhechzhaschahchamimechs? It cannot go on like this any longer."

"Why should they have to come in here and buy a holiday memento of their oppressors? What the hell kind of message is that sending?" asked the manager of a local Wal-Mart, Chester Fullerton, who is white. "So any time we see a black looking at the Christmas trees, we try to lead him the Kwanzaa Crack Pipe and Water Bong section instead." He winked approvingly.

Many Hispanics, who are traditionally Christian, were confused.

"I go in to the store and try to buy a tree," said Hispanic merchant Juan Juan Juanstein, who is also half-Jewish. "They wouldn't let me see them. They sent me to the manager, who sent me to the sporting goods section, who then sent me to the Kwanzaa section. All I wanted was a Christmas tree."

His mouth was then stapled shut by another lawyer from the ACLU who had been hiding in a briefcase.

Many minorities, like Rabbi Abraham Zachariah, were also confused by the actions of white people all across the country.

"I mean, it is sweet and all, do not get me wrong because it is," he said. "But we -- the Jews -- we do not mind if white people keep their Christmas trees, it is really no problem at all. Just please do not burn us in ovens anymore." He chuckled warmly.

Jah, who is the Rastafarian God, was far too blitzed out of his mind to say anything coherent. However, he did manage to wish all black people "happy holidays."

As of yet, however, there is no recognized late-December holiday for homosexuals. Until there is, they will have to be content with celebrating Chanukah or Kwanzaa.

"I was raised Catholic," said ex-Priest and homosexual Fr. Lance Malloy, CSC, "so to not be allowed to buy a tree or decorations…is very sad. Political correctness is great and all, but isn't this a bit much now?"

The ACLU does not believe it is.

"Self-hating faggots and Negroids aside, we will not rest until white people pay for all of their transgressions in some way or another," said Rosenthal. "It's good that some whites are taking the initiative themselves in protecting oppressed minorities, but it's not enough. It will never be enough."

He chuckled warmly.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: