Alcoholic Constantly Mentions Famous Alcoholics

Sears employee and raging alcoholic George Basney mentions famous alcoholics every chance he gets, say friends and associates of the 52-year-old drunk.

"It's like he thinks it's romantic or something," said coworker Adam Regazzo. "He's always like, 'Hemingway, now there was a drinker,' or 'you know W.C. Fields used to put back a quart of scotch every night before he went out on stage.' And whenever he's talking about some famous drunk, he gets this look in his eye like it makes him all proud and shit."

Regazzo added: "I don't even know who W.C. Fields is, but I'm sure he never had to grovel to his 24-year-old supervisor after he showed up late and hung-over to his job for the fifth time in a month."

While the majority of alcoholics Basney mentions are authors, Basney's plans for writing a novel were put on hold for 32 years while he continually drank himself into oblivion.

"I'd always ask him, 'How's the book coming, George?' And he'd go, 'I just wrote chapter three!'" Regazzo recalled. "Then I'd say, 'There is no chapter three, is there, George?' And then he'd scream at me and say, 'If I wanted your frigging opinion, I would've told it to you.'"

According to his wife, Basney many nights will lose himself in the drunken cross-country adventures in his favorite book On The Road, while downing glass after glass of cheap gin in his living room recliner until he passes out.

"It's actually pretty disgusting," said Martha Basney, who's been married to the lush for 27 years. "There's nothing romantic about a grown man throwing up and pissing himself at the same time in his sleep. I'm definitely not going to put up with his shit for much longer."

According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), alcoholism currently affects nearly 14 million Americans, though only a small percentage of those alcoholics are actually considered to be "cool".

"If a famous individual has a problem with alcohol, it simply adds to their 'troubled artist' appeal," said Dr. James Toble, a therapist specializing in alcohol abuse. "But 99 percent of the time, alcoholics drink to escape the harsh reality of their lives, which can often be too much for them to handle. Perhaps their wife tends to nag them a little too much or their parents are constantly asking how the private practice is going when they know damn well that the person is struggling their ass off just to get it off the ground and the kids – the kids will just never give it a fucking rest."

Toble added: "Sometimes a drink just seems to make it all go away."

Basney has denied both mentioning famous alcoholics an inordinate amount of times and being an alcoholic himself, calling himself simply "a connoisseur of the finer spirits."

"Sure, the majority of the Christmas presents I get are related to alcohol and the password for my e-mail account is GIN1952, but that doesn't mean anything," he said vehemently. "I just like to enjoy the occasional drink. In the words of the great Winston Churchill: 'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.'"

Basney then reminded himself to change the password for his e-mail account "once he sobers up a little."

"Who the hell knows who out there has my password now," he muttered, putting his head in his hands. "I was so god damned wasted last night, I could've given it to that 12 year-old who lives down the hall, for all I know."

"That's your son!" shouted Basney's wife from the kitchen, who overheard his remark about their 12 year-old.

"You don't own me, god damnit!" Basney yelled in return. "Christ, I need a drink."

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