Rapper C-Murder Unsurprisingly Convicted Of Murder

After an eighteen month incarceration as a suspect in the murder of an unidentified youth outside a night club after a "rap battle", which is a ceremonial and traditional mode of conflict in urban areas, rapper C-Murder was convicted of murder.

The case against C-Murder, or, as he was called by his close friends, "Murder In The Second Degree", was marked by large areas of uncertainty, especially due to the fact that the prosecution was able to bring only two witnesses out of an estimated 150 attendance at the rap battle to testify against him, as well as the fact that their accounts are in conflict.

Head Juror Dan Young was available for comment, and the EV caught up with him outside of a popular nightclub.

"There were many points of contention among the jurors originally, and I personally expected many long, coffee-stained nights, in which we forcibly and eloquently argued for or against a reasonable doubt as to whether or not C-Murder actually committed the crime."

Young paused to point out that he was referring to the adjective and not the rapper.

"As I was saying, what I was expecting to be a tough case was actually a cinch after we learned of the defendant's stage name, which is C-Murder. After we learned that, the whole thing became a seventeen month long state-funded party."

Young paused to grasp his head as if nursing a hangover.

"Rather unfortunate of him to have chosen that particular stage name," he said thoughtfully. "I know C-Manslaughter or C-Negligent Homicide is not quite as catchy or 'in-your-face' as C-Murder, but it probably would have gotten him a much lighter sentence. Ten years with good behavior, tops."

Another juror, Richard Pierce, agreed.

"He could've at least made it harder to convict himself by going by 'C-Innocent' or 'C-Didn't-Do-It'," he said. "I know that if one of those was his name, I probably would've stopped and said to myself, 'Now wait a second, Richard -- would someone with the word 'innocent' in his name really be guilty of killing someone?'"

The presiding judge of the case, Donald Rimms, said that C-Murder's name assisted him in his verdict and punishment.

"There was a lot of circumstantial evidence in this case, and I probably would've been forced to dismiss it," he explained. "But when I looked at the court papers and saw that name there, I was like, 'Holy shit, a murderer!' I'm really not supposed to form a biased opinion like that of the suspect before the case actually begins, but between you and me, my mind was pretty much made up when I saw the name."

C-Murder said that he has learned his lesson from the incident, and that he has already changed his name in anticipation of getting released from prison some day.

"I have officially changed my name to 'C-Bitch'," he told us proudly. "I have a feeling that this will not only expedite my eventual release from prison, but also ensure me a peaceful and pleasant stay in the penitentiary."

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