DC Comics Unveils New 'Retarded' Superhero
In celebration of diversity, DC Comics announced today the unveiling of a new superhero. No, it's not a 5'10" lesbian batwoman, nor is it some random Asian -- it's Hydrocephalon, the world's first "retarded" superhero.
Hydrocephalon, who has a debilitating case of Down Syndrome and must travel "at supersonic speeds" in a wheelchair, is a large-headed balding man with a protrusive gut and a tight blue suit. He often visits Gotham City, home to DC Comics superhero Batman, because the medical facilities in Gotham are first rate for a superhero "with special needs".
"You're my new sidekick," Bruce Wayne (Batman) exclaims to Hydrocephalon in the first issue, giving him a large piece of candy. "My new, special sidekick!"
"He shows our readership that even those of us who are stupid can make a positive difference in society," said DC spokesperson Lex Wonderbat. "It's not Hydro's -- that's what he's called, Hydro -- fault that he was born on an alien planet with this horrible, hideous disease. But he has overcome it to battle evil, and it's wonderful."
And battle evil he does. In the first issue, Hydro wages war with a large-lipped, black-skinned Gorilla-esque menace called "Jerome Washington", who is set on destroying the pristine suburban neighborhood of Hydro's parents -- a far cry, some might say, from Superman fighting super-criminals on where ever it is the nerds read about.
"Well, we have to stick to some sort of reality," explained Wonderbat. "People will only buy the retarded superhero bit if it seems plausible."
Hydro's only weakness is a rare meteoric rock that fell to Earth with him, as well as loud noises and flashing lights. He also can't stop eating.
"We are so pleased with this development," said Janet Rosenblum, president of the National Down Syndrome Society (NDSS). "Hydro will serve as a strong role model for little Mongoloid children all around the world who will see that they, too, should not fear black people, but should fight against them."
And fight they will. According to a Harvard study, most mentally unstable or handicapped individuals do not understand pain. They are therefore uninhibited by normal physical limitations, making them more dangerous than all other sectors of humanity combined. It is this predisposition toward superhuman strength that inspired DC comics in the first place, though there are -- as of yet -- no retarded supervillains.
Many other Americans, however, were not so pleased with the announcement of Hydrocephalon's comic series.
"I'm sick and tired of this diversity crap," said an angry conservative. "Lesbians and blacks and retards are starting to take the place of just regular, normal people. It won't be long until decent Americans are minorities in their own culture, and we'll all be speaking Spanish. It started already when I saw some soft shell fixins tubes being sold as god damned Farjidas [sic]."
"I got a superhero -- Border Patrol Man," opined another. "He joins forces with the greatest superhero of all time, Amurican [sic] Troop Man, to protect us from Mexican migrants who want my job and healthcare and children."
But DC is trying to ignore the controversy and focus on storylines for the new hero. There is even talk that the new lesbian Batwoman may have an erotic threesome with Wonder Woman and Hydro in a later issue, but those rumors could not be confirmed.
In addition, not everyone is as shocked by Hydro's appearance as the majority of America. "This guy really is no surprise," said fifteen-year-old comic aficionado and local 10th-grader Derek Remen. "Aquaman is pretty retarded."
