Jackson Acquitted; Verdict Was Primarily 'Due To Whiteness', Says Jesse Jackson

After a 32 hour deliberation filled with intense debate over the testimonies of several witnesses, whether or not Thomas Mesereau's hair should be considered as a factor against the defense, and what kind of grinders would be served for lunch, a California jury completely acquitted former pop star Michael Jackson of all charges against him, with the exception of a little-known charge of an October 2001 jaywalking, which he will be fined $50 for.

As the verdict was read, the courtroom was deathly quiet, and one woman screamed like a donkey, say witnesses.

"We were all on the edge of our seats," said one courtroom occupant excitedly. "I think there was definitely a shared sense that we were about to witness one of the most important events of our times...very similar, I'd say, to what those people watching the first moon landing or the last episode of M.A.S.H. must've felt."

Outside, it was a joyous scene as Jackson supporters cried and hugged each other. For some, however, the moment was bittersweet.

"I'm happy for Mike, but I can't help but feel a little empty now," said one woman, looking panicked. "I really hope that there's a civil trial I can attend."

"THANK GAWD MICHAEL," bawled a morbidly obese 29 year-old man, wearing a poorly-screened soiled t-shirt reading "Michael's Is Innocencet". "OH JESUS, JESUS LORD."

As for those hoping for a guilty verdict, such as prosecutor and long-time Jackson nemesis Thomas Sneddon, there was little joy to be found.

"I'm disappointed, but I will accept the jury's decision," he said grimly, before screaming "MOTHERFUCK" at the top of his lungs and smashing his head through the window of a nearby car.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson also expressed his chagrin at the jury's decision, and even went so far as to criticize the jury, claiming racial bias and insisting that a "blacker Jackson, circa 1984" would have been found guilty -- if not on every charge, than at least "on the crime of being black and beautiful."

"This is another example of skin color being more important than the truth," said an animated Jackson to reporters at the Santa Barbara courthouse. "This verdict is a reminder of the inequity of our courtrooms, and had the accused been a 'scary' African, they wouldn't have needed 30 hours of deliberation over seven days -- just enough time to get the lynch mob together."

Jackson also advanced the theory that Michael Jackson began the process of altering his appearance to appear "whiter" over a decade ago for the sole reason of eventually being able to get away with molesting children.

"Why the hell else would he want to look like that?" Jackson thundered. "I ask you, why would a normal man want to look like a white devil?"

But Dr. John Hayes, a legal expert and professor at Harvard University, explained that "confusing, weird" racial issues aside, the facts for the prosecution -- many of which rested upon the testimony of the 15 year-old accuser that often could not be corroborated and was prone to retractions and holes -- ultimately stacked the case in Jackson's favor, despite Jackson's race, strange appearance, and often-erratic behavior.

"No jury, nor the government of these United States, would send someone to jail just for looking and acting different," he said.

As for Jackson, he had no comment as he left the courthouse, but a spokesman said the former accused is just grateful to have the ordeal over with.

"Michael is looking forward to getting back to his normal routine of relaxing at his ranch and sleeping in a nonsexual way with children," a statement read.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: