Keanu Reeves Set To Play Terri Schiavo In Biopic

Keanu Reeves, best known for his droll cadence, compelling lifelessness, and what one critic described as "an overwhelmingly strong commitment to accurately portraying man as he is: a blank slate of reflected emotions", is going to star as Terri Schiavo, the brain-dead woman who is at the center of a social and political right-to-life frenzy, in Hollywood's latest biopic.

The star says that he is excited to play the near-vegetative Schiavo, whose basic responses to stimuli may be unconscious nerve-reactions, much like Reeves' performance in "Constantine". He hopes to bring to her a humanity and warmth that director Buck Henry's first choice -- a head of iceberg lettuce -- could not.

"This is the role that Mr. Reeves has been waiting for all his life," said publicist Jan Wagner. "It is really the role of a lifetime. There is very little difference between Mrs. Schiavo and Keanu, besides the fact that Keanu can move his arms and legs...sometimes even voluntarily."

Wagner then excused herself as she answered a phone call from Alex Winter, who for the third time that day was demanding to be given top billing in the soon-to-be-released "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" 15-year anniversary DVD release.

The nation is already aware and captivated by the story of Schiavo, which adds pressure to playing the roll convincingly, but Reeves is adamant that he is up to it.

"Terri is such an emotional person," said the actor, "and I'm going to have to dig down deep for the scene when she grimaces for the first time in, like, 100 years, but I can do it. Oh yes, I can do it."

Reeves says that he has been preparing for the roll by watching his own movies "to get that glazed-eyes, slack-jawed look down pat."

Biopics became the Hollywood favorite movie genre in 2004, covering figures such as Howard Hughes, Alfred Kinsey, and Ray Charles. Despite having been dropped from the role of Ted William's cryogenically frozen corpse in the upcoming movie "Eat Shit, Big Mac" due to a combination of schedule conflicts, artistic differences and the inability to convey the emotional range of a dead man, Reeves hopes to jump on the bandwagon -- which, as Jamie Foxx demonstrated in his astounding portrayal of Ray Charles, can yield delicious, life-sustaining Oscars -- with this latest true-to-live story.

"I want to avoid being typecast, and playing a woman is really going to stick it to the critics," adamantly declared Reeves. "I really feel as though this role illustrates my commitment to something."

Feeling that the Schiavo role will be his real break-out as a true A-lister, Reeves added that, "All of my previous movies have involved me saying words and having to talk about things. I've had to use my legs and walk around, and sometimes even run." Butt his role will require him to use "facial expressions", which he has never done before, "except when Sandra Bullock flashed her tits in 'Speed', which they cut for some reason."

Despite the tragic ending of the real-life story -- a federal court ruled against Schiavo's parents for the third time today, meaning only six more rulings will be required to equal one similar hypothetical ruling against Schiavo's husband -- the movie will segue into a fourth installment of the hit "Matrix" series. The closing sequence involves a mysterious Dr. Morpheus who enters the room and injects Terri with fluid from a syringe labeled "The Blue Pill", causing her to wake up, realize that all of life was just a sick illusion, and suddenly become a martial arts and weapons expert, as well as some Christ-like figure, or whatever.

"We were going to do a song and dance number at the movie's climax," said director Buck Henry, "but Bible-belt test audiences said that they wanted to see a newly-conscious Terri obliterate her murderous husband with about fifty rounds of magnesium tipped, sub-sonic hollow point."

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