Lifetime Network Viewers Anxiously Await Next Celebrity Murder

Now that the Scott Peterson trial has come to a close, ending months of gripping drama and suspense, regular "Lifetime" cable network viewer Mary Wilkes expressed her excitement to The Enduring Vision yesterday over the next high-profile celebrity homicide case that will undoubtedly whip the nation into a frenzy.

With the Robert Blake murder trial weeks away from starting and the death of the wife of musical producer Phil Spector still not engrained in the collective consciousness, Wilkes can hardly stand the suspense over whose face will next be overexposed by the media on television, newspapers and magazines.

"I know that there are some famous people who are under indictment for murder, and maybe even some of their stories have dark and tragic histories," said the 35 year-old elementary school teacher. "But after the Scott and Laci trial came to a heartbreaking end with Scott being found guilty and sentenced to death, the nation doesn't have anyone to cast their hatred and loathing onto, and that's just what we need."

Looking at her youngest child, who had just pooped on the carpet, she added, "Or maybe that's just me."

Public opinion has tended to suggest that a high-profile courtroom drama requires someone more attractive and vital than the washed-up Robert Blake, or the ostensibly 'nutty' Phil Specter to commit murder.

"I mean, who is Phil Specter, anyway?" wondered Wilkes. "I mean, sure, he hung out with the Beatles, but, I mean, who didn't? He's already a wacko, so what does it matter if he's guilty or innocent? What this nation needs is an ambitious, unfaithful, and good-looking husband to come from obscurity and attack the nation by storm, just in the same way Peterson attacked and killed his wife and unborn child."

Wilkes did not give much attention to Michael Jackson's child molestation case, which she says has become "old news" for the moment. Jackson's lawyers expressed gratitude to Scott Peterson and the war in Iraq for helping to "take the spotlight off of the King of Pop and give America something to talk about when foreign policy, American Idol and the weather have already been discussed."

"Maybe if Michael had systematically murdered hundreds of little boys or, worse yet, helpless little chow chow puppies," said National Enquirer writer Jacob Feinstein, "then his star would still be shining bright. Just think of all the headline spin-offs we could have come up with – 'King of Pop Pops Off Another One', or 'Jackson Turns Out Another Hit', or even, 'Wacko Jacko Capos Another Puppyaco.' Alas, it will take the loss of an innocent life – provided the victim is a beautiful, young coed – to inspire this nation to greatness again."

While there are 18,000 murders on average in America each year, only a few make headlines or end the lives of anyone important or good looking. Fewer still become part of the country's vernacular like have JonBenet Ramsey, OJ Simpson, Scott Peterson, or Greg Brady, whose gayness still makes for great laughs at parties. And despite daily gracing the covers of media magazines and the headlines of the Internet Movie Database, Robert Blake and Phil Specter lack the vitality and charm to conquer the minds and ever shortening attention-span of the homicide-craving viewing public, such as Wilkes, who is holding out for someone better.

"I just can't wait to see who it is," said Wilkes, "and I hope it's somebody cute like Keanu Reeves or Ashton Kutcher, because Specter and that pithecanthropus Blake just aren't cutting it anymore, and I'm tired of Peoples' Court."

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