Man Attempting To Watch TV Encounters 'Weird Easter Shit'

Although 37 year-old Quakertown resident Matt Corso turned on his television Sunday evening expecting to see the usual run of programs that he channel surfs through -- which include news shows, reruns of Friends, and 47 simultaneously airing versions of Star Trek -- what he actually saw was an unpleasant surprise for him: "at least fifty" shows dealing with "weird Easter shit".

Corso, despite having a "vague idea" that it was Easter, was taken by surprise when faced with the holiday-themed shows.

"There I was, trying to channel surf around like I do every Sunday evening, when I see some guy with long hair in a white robe -- Jesus, I guess -- standing around and staring out in the distance, while another guy sings to him about something or other," Corso said, slight confusion registering on his face. "That's just not normal Sunday night viewing."

After coming across several other shows, including a twirling woman in a dress singing about Peter Cottontail and a channel that showed a giant basket with children coming out of it, Corso says he was in a state of thorough "messed-up-edness."

"I'm used to some TV stations making last-minute subs to their programming, so that I'm watching a Seinfeld rerun instead of Mad About You, or something like that," he said. "But this was much different, since I was getting a mix of giant rabbits giving kids candy and Jesus coming out of the damn ground. I didn't know what to think."

Corso was so shaken by the unusual programming that minutes later, when a relative called to wish him a happy Easter, he asked her "just what the hell that was supposed to mean".

"I didn't know whether she meant that I should say my thanks that one day, thousands of years ago, Jesus became a zombie and escaped from his grave, and then was teleported into the sky, or else give a piece of carrot to a giant god damned rabbit wearing a smoking jacket, who would, in return, give me a basket of candy, including a chocolate-shaped replica of himself," he said. "Considering the mess that was on TV, it just wasn't a very considerate thing to say to me."

Corso was further aggravated when the relative replied that she didn't know what she meant by that, and that she was just "trying to be nice".

"Who the hell gives someone a choice between having a happy holiday by thanking a zombie or waiting for a mutant rabbit to come to their door?" he shouted. "How is that trying to be nice?"

Although this particular instance of holiday-themed television programming was confusing, Corso did admit that it wasn't the first time it happened.

"I can remember a similar thing from last Christmas," he said, still shuddering at the memory. "I had my choice between stories about a kid being born in a barn and three wise men being guided to him by talking stars, a puppet-cartoon thing about a flying deer who had a fucking light bulb in his nose, and some kid wearing glasses encountering unbelievable obstacles in his quest to receive a BB gun for Christmas, including imagining his mother and teacher as cackling witches and being stepped on by Santa Claus."

"Oh Jesus, Santa Claus," he moaned, covering his face. "That was just another piece of the puzzle."

Because of the confusion, Corso says he now has a very "skewed" view of Christmas, and he expects a similar phenomenon to occur with Easter.

"I guess it's only a matter of time before I convince myself that the Easter Bunny helped Jesus escape from his grave with the aid of a giant egg, and as a result Jesus showered the Earth with candy," he sighed. "I can see it now."

A recent poll showed that 57 percent of Americans agree with that assessment of Easter, while 33 saying that Jesus flew around the Earth at supersonic speeds to change its rotation and go backwards in time, and the remaining 10 percent insisting that invading Iraq was a good idea.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: