Man Upset After Hearing Loser Listen To Hendrix
Theodore Hutchinson, self-described Jimi Hendrix enthusiast and computer engineer for TFW Corporation Headquarters, expressed "rage and disappointment" after discovering that summer intern and "gigantic tool" Tim Donnelly is also an avid Hendrix listener and collector.
Hutchinson claimed that he overheard the opening riff of "Voodoo Chile" this past Thursday morning as he made the inevitable walk past Donnelly's desk while on his way to the copy machine, and became perturbed at the fact that a "drip and a fag" like Donnelly could enjoy the music of the controversial and seminal guitarist.
"At first, I thought it might have been a commercial, or maybe the radio or something," said Hutchinson, "but when I walked back to my cubicle, I distinctly heard 'Red House' blasting from his computer speakers. I figured that it was the 'Best Of' or something, which is no big deal -- everyone and their grandmother has got that."
However, after repeatedly passing Donnelly's desk, Hutchinson continued to hear the sounds of Hendrix's wailing guitar float over the cubicle walls as more and more obscure songs emanated from Donnelly's computer speakers.
"That's when I started to lose it," Hutchinson expressed with increasing grief. "I mean, it's one thing if he were listening to [local college station] WXRT spin 'The Wind Cries Mary', or even if he's got the 'Ultimate Experience' in his CD player. But for him to even know about the rare recording of Jimi's 1970 show at the Rainbow Bridge, much less play it at work...it gives a bad name to all who love and appreciate the magnificence of Hendrix's catalogue."
Hutchinson added scornfully, "Even the memory of Jimi himself is tarnished when a putz like this can be a fan."
Since Hendrix's untimely death due to an overdose of sleeping pills in 1970, his music has reached an audience that extends beyond racial, age and class barriers, and is a favorite of almost everyone, from baby-boomers to Gen Xers and beyond.
However, the inclusion of Donnelly into that list, says Hutchinson, has ruined the Experience for himself and, he warns, many others to come.
"When you hear Jimi, you think anti-establishment," Hutchinson continued. "It's the music of rebellion, or at least it was until I heard Tim listening to it -- the same pimply kid who can't add or subtract without a calculator, who can't combine two words without saying 'uh', who has the droopy look of someone who masturbates too much and is overall about as personality-free as a aluminum siding."
Lamenting the change in mental imagery that the music of Hendrix produces for him, he elaborated by saying, "Now instead of memories of wild college parties and the promise of hot sex, I'm going to be stuck thinking about this goofball's ugly, squinting face staring into the computer screen with his jaw slightly ajar and glasses sliding down his big nose whenever I hear the climax of Purple Haze."
Hutchinson is reported to have repeatedly feigned a pleasant demeanor when asking Donnelly about the breadth and depth of his Hendrix collection.
"Yeah, I, uh, just got the, uh, Isle of Wright CD," said Donnelly as Hutchinson struggled to hide his dismay and self-loathing for not having purchased said release. "I also just got a, uh, uh, a bootleg of his show from -- oh, I think it was -- April 26, 1969."
"Oh yeah, that's probably Hendrix's best show," hurriedly commented Hutchinson. "I've got that one on vinyl."
Confused, Donnelly asked for clarification. "Vinyl? You mean, like, on an old record?"
"Damnit!" Hutchinson exploded, losing his cool, and stalked off.
Additional similar attempts by Hutchinson to confirm that Donnelly possesses anything less than a genuine appreciation for the late guitarist's music and collection to back it up have all turned up empty.
"I can't believe that, after listening to that stuff as much as he does, he's not inspired to pop a few zits, or at least show up to work a little hung-over every once in awhile," lamented Hutchinson. "But every day, he keeps coming in on time, kissing everyone's ass and talking about the Lord of the Rings when he's not nodding his head to the beat of some Band of Gypsies live track that I'm not even aware of. This is disastrous for fans and admirers everywhere."
Sentiment for Donnelly's lack of personality extends throughout most of the office, though not nearly as much attention is paid to his musical tastes as that which comes from Hutchinson.
"Every day, he'll ask me something bland like, 'So, you got leftovers for lunch today?,' or will make some stupid comment about the weather," said recently-acquired engineer Mark DaFino about Donnelly's daily habits. "I must admit that I'm not much of a Hendrix fan myself, and I think I'll keep it that way if Dickhead over there is totally into him, if for no other reason than to avoid having a conversation with him."
As a result, says Hutchinson, the music that defined a generation and put the exclamation mark on the Woodstock Music Festival is now "tarnished forever".
"He should stick to Rush and Dungeons and Dragons or something," wished Hutchinson despairingly. "Isn't there a new Star Wars movie coming out? Maybe that'll remind him about his place in society."
