Musician Blames Graduation For Ruined Musical Career, Life

Jeff Thomson, guitarist for local band "The Moon Units", is blaming graduation from the University of Michigan, the visible manifestation of his metamorphosis from youth to adult, for ruining his musical career and, by consequence, his life.

The gunslinger for the locally popular outfit expressed sorrow and remorse over having to give up a career in music for one that pertains to the course of study in which he was immersed while not playing in the band.

"It's over, my life is over, my dreams destroyed," pitifully lamented the defeated frontman as he passed up a marijuana cigarette in order to finish typing his resume. "I'll never achieve the kind of success I was looking for, because now that I have a degree in a lucrative field [of journalism] there's no way I can convince my parents to keep giving me an allowance for nothing, let alone pay the rent."

As Thompson finished typing his references and printed them on expensive paper, he reached for the joint still in circulation before recoiling in horror and exclaiming, "Holy shit, they're going to drug test me too, aren't they?"

Friends and fans of Thompson are saddened and appalled by his self-improving behavior and have interceded to help promote decline in the guitarist's work ethic, workplace viability and appearance. Some offered assistance to the troubled musician and held an intervention in a closed session.

"We told him that he doesn't need to get a job because the Moon Units are so fucking awesome that we're bound to make it unless he leaves," said friend and band mate bass player Ron Hemmerit, junior in the School of Management, "but even he himself said shit like, 'I need to make money,' or 'It's time to move on.' If there was one guy who was always like, 'Fuck authority!' or 'Fuck all those rich ass fucks,' it was Jeff, but now that he's going to go cut his hair and put on a shirt and tie, he won't be any good to anybody, besides maybe as his boss's bitch."

Friends and fans have all expressed confusion and frustration over how such a tragedy would befall someone who was so ostensibly on the path to decadence and profligacy. Most of expressed anguish over a "lack of answers"; each person that knows the troubled youth wonders about the many unknowns that, had they been avoided or addressed, might have stopped Thompson's tumble down the road of gainful employment and intellectual development.

"He's what I think you call rock and roll casualty," said girlfriend Anna Baker, "or maybe that's the opposite, but either way it's sad."

Dejectedly exhaling a large puff of unidentified smoke, Baker went on: "How many bright, beautiful Adonis's will we have to lose to the temptations and trappings of the 9-5 jobber lifestyle until they realize that it's just wrong? Once you start down that path it's a slippery slope, and I think that Jeff has gone too far to be recover."

Despite the many attempts to stop the downward trajectory into society, Thompson remains firmly in the throes of graduation. Though his fate appears sealed, he still struggles to hold on to any last vestige of decrepitude and musical stardom.

"I can come back and do a reunion gig or two with the guys that haven't graduated," hoped Thompson, "but that's only if I haven't managed to clean myself up too much."

Putting away his tie and shoe-shine kit, the tortured artist concluded by asking, "Do you have an application I can fill out?"

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