People Dance, Sing Along To Songs About War, Child Support

A sampling of dances and sing-a-longs at colleges, weddings, high schools, clubs, bars, and the insides of cars revealed that people all over the world enjoy "getting down" to songs about a variety of subject matters, including bemoaning child support, protesting war, lamenting the death of a father, and more.

"We want prenup!" shouted 20 year-old Stacey Clintock, who has never been married and has no friends who are, happily as Kanye West's "Gold Digger" played over the speakers of the club she was in. "When she leave your ass she's going to leave with half! 18 years, 18 years!"

"And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn't his," finished a debonair young man in a jersey for a basketball team he has never seen play, sliding up to Clintock's back and placing his hands over her breasts. She nodded and danced furiously.

Later, a survey of the club revealed that 68% of those in attendance believed the song to be about "partying", while 20% said they didn't know it had any actual words in the lyrics. The remaining 12% said the song was about space aliens.

Mark Donaldson, a 26 year-old restaurant manager, described a similar experience that took place in his car involving Green Day's "Holiday", a strongly anti-war song.

"Me and three other guys from the restaurant, we just had a moment with that song," he said. "We cranked up the volume and sang right along: 'Pulverize the Eiffel towers who criticize your government!' Take that, you French bastards!"

Samuel Pierce, a friend of Donaldson's, did not know the words and did not plan to own the song, but vowed to download the ringtone so that he could listen to the same five seconds in terrible quality over and over on his cell phone.

In light of this research, many musical artists feel encouraged that the lyrics they have written provide so many people with the opportunity to dance around and say things, and vowed to continue their output in the future.

"I'm working on an album now that will detail some of the subtleties of anthropomorphism, and my very enthusiastic interest in media and conventions depicting this particular variety of social relations," explained Kanye West. "I hope it will be just as well received as my current efforts."

"I hope it has a part that goes, 'Bum-chick! Boom chick-ow!'" explained a club-goer when told of this news. "That would really make the neanderthal-o-ism much better for me!"

Of course, songs about war and child support make up only a small minority of those favored by the majority of those polled; most of the favorites are about other subjects, such as sex, breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, finding a new boyfriend/girlfriend, being someone's boyfriend/girlfriend, wanting to be someone's boyfriend/girlfriend, and severe anal leakage.

"I didn't steal your boyfriend!" bleated a girl, singing Ashlee Simpson's "Boyfriend" and doing almost as good a job as the singer herself. "Hey, how long 'till you face what's going on! 'Cause you really got it wrong! I didn't steal your boyfriend!"

"Man, this song is even better than 'Holiday!'" said her friend.

Some, however, are worried that if trends continue, soon popular clubs and bars could begin to play songs by artists traditionally ignored by the greater mainstream, which would "cause mass suicides" among some scenesters.

"Please don't let them get to Bright Eyes," sobbed one young man, mascara running down his cheeks. "Next it'll be anything retro, and then I'll be out of things to like, unless some of my friends find something new."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: