New Fall TV Lineup Includes 'CSI: The White House'

Of the many TV shows premiering this fall in the U.S., including Fox's "Laughing, Farting Thing" and ABC's "Sassmouth Police", arguably the most anticipated is the latest addition to the super-successful CSI television series entitled "CSI: The White House".

The show's producers boast that unlike other programs that portray the White House in a "stupid, unrealistic" light by using plot devices like a woman President who never makes dinner for anyone, CSI: TWH strives for "gritty realism".

"Did you ever wonder what the White House is, or what kind of people are in there?" said producer Sam Cohen excitedly. "This show attempts to answer those questions for you in a cool, sexy way."

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in a surprising return to "acting" as lead crime sleuth, the series takes the public behind the scenes of the White House's crack team of crime and intelligence investigators.

In the pilot episode, the show opens in the White House's super high-tech subterranean crime lab. "We know that Saddam Hussein had links to Al Qaeda," detective Schwarzenegger intones deeply, "and we must find them." As a subplot, he must also investigate a series of murders in which the victim's brains have been removed from their skulls and stuffed into their large intestines, which are in turn removed and made to spell out different verses from random Toby Keith songs.

Lab-coated technicians busily examine fiber evidence, trying to connect Osama bin Laden's magic carpet to Saddam's Baghdad palace. "He must have flown in here sometime before 9/11," Schwarzenegger muses, "so it's only a matter of connecting the threads together."

The show even portrays actual political figures, such as Vice President Dick Cheney, who is played deftly by a grimacing Bea Arthur. In the show, Cheney is portrayed as a brainy character who discovers various things around the lab that he then attributes to the continued safety of the United States.

"This window is closed, and we haven't been attacked," he deduces in the show's third episode. "Thank our Almighty Jesus Lord that we closed it."

Sure to cause controversy is the show's portrayal of the lab's cutting edge video database, which tracks all the daily activities of every Democratic member of Congress for the past six years.

"Some of this surveillance is just plain dull," Schwarzenegger admits in the pilot, absentmindedly shooting a nearby intruder, "but sooner or later we'll find a Democrat with a clue about something."

Viewers may want to pay special attention to the round-the-clock surveillance of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton in the show, which may hint at future plot devices.

"I don't know why she keeps going swimming with those women," Schwarzenegger muses cryptically. "You would think they could dry their hair in less than four hours."

Democrats, unsurprisingly, are highly critical of the show and are even demanding that CSI not be permitted to show it on the grounds that it could confuse people.

"The average American will probably think that this is a live news report from CNN," said an indignant spokesman for former President Bill Clinton. "If you're going to air something that talks about something, you need to make sure that it's a completely accurate documentary."

"Just because the airwaves are public doesn't mean the public should get to choose what it watches," he added.

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