O.J. Simpson Would Have Stabbed Girlfriend To Death And Worn Black Gloves 'If I'd Done It,' He Says

Pictured: what Simpson would look like if he had committed murder.

O.J. Simpson, in TV interviews and a book about to hit shelves in two weeks, has explained that he would have killed his ex-girlfriend Nicole Brown and friend Ron Goldman with a razor-sharp knife or sword, and worn black gloves to avoid detection, "instead of the way the real murderer did," he says.

"I would have slit the bitch's throat and stabbed the shit out of her and her honky friend," said the former NFL star to FOX News as he dreamily described the grim melee had he been a party to it. "Black gloves would also be important to help the killer from getting fingerprints all over everything, thus linking him to the scene of the crime, so I definitely would have worn those, and maybe left one behind to throw off investigators."

While the publisher, ReganBooks, does not want to divulge too much information before the book comes out in December, the one-time running-back-turned-actor has revealed some surprising elements of how he would have done things. Making empty vows to find the real killers and using a hard-to-spot white Ford Bronco to enter and escape the scene undetected are, says OJ, only a couple of tactics that The Juice would have employed if he were the one to have "done the deed".

"It's a good thing OJ didn't actually kill Ms. Brown and Mr. Goldman, because given the meticulous detail in which he describes how he would have cut them mercilessly with sharp objects and then padded his alibi with a trip to LAX makes me think that he would have gotten away with it," said FOX News anchor Juliet Huddy. "It almost sounds like he wanted to kill her all along. The way he talked in detail about slitting [Nicole Brown's] neck to the point that she would be nearly decapitated makes me glad that it wasn't him that did it, or it would have been a horrific, grisly scene."

The acquitted celebrity has impressed law enforcement professionals and forensic experts in his meticulous and proficient understanding of the subtleties of homicide.

"All of us down at the station are impressed by OJ's evil intellect and cold killer instinct necessary to carry out a double homicide and get away with it," said Beverly Hills police detective Billy Haggert, "and we would all be a little suspicious of him if we didn't already know he was innocent. He must have spent a long time thinking about killing his girlfriend before someone beat him to the chase, because it's as if he had it all mapped out and ready to go."

The book, which is titled, "I Did it...No, I Mean IF I Did It (I Would Not Have Worn My Size 12 Bruno Maglis)" will be available in stores in early December. Some, however, are calling its publication nothing short of disgusting.

"I simply can't believe this trash is being published," said one man with disgust. "I'm certainly only buying it due to morbid curiosity, but I would encourage everyone else not to give this creep any money by buying his book."

Others, however, see nothing wrong or bizarre with a strictly-hypothetical scenario about how a man accused of killing his ex-wife would've actually done it.

"I'm interested to read this book, I will say that," said Brenda Moran, a former juror on the Simpson trial. "I vaguely remember hearing about this case when it came out, and now I can finally get all the details."

The interview counterpart to the book will air on Fox at the end of the month immediately following new episodes of "Shitting With Celebrities", in which contestants enthusiastically have their faces defecated on by several C-list celebrities, one of whom is OJ Simpson.

"It's all in good fun," said Simpson of both his interview and his appearance on the show. "And in a few years, I'm going to be writing a book on how even though I never actually shat on anyone, I concocted a little plan in my head about how I would go about doing that."

Simpson would not comment on the relation of the book's publication to his well-known legal battles over the $33.5 million he was ordered to pay the Goldman family in civil suit, although he did reveal that the book's original title was "If I Needed Money (Which I Do)."

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