Religious Folks, Literati Can't Wait To Not See 'Da Vinci Code'

The buzz over the May 19th release of the movie based on Dan Brown's hit novel "The Da Vinci Code" is building amongst the religious and literary communities, where expectations of enragement and disgust are reaching new heights. Sources from both camps say the anticipation shared by members over berating those who go to see it, turning their noses up to those that furthermore like it, and loudly and repeatedly voicing their vast array of complaints with the movie/book/Dan Brown/culture at large is reaching the boiling point.

The multi-million selling book became the object of scorn of academics, religious pundits and half-assed book snobs who received it for Christmas from an aunt in Maine that they haven't seen since they were 12 almost the instant it was released. The movie, insiders say, will be no less successful.

"I hope it rains on all the obsequious morons who line up the night before to get tickets for this hackwork," said college junior Matt Reichert, while in the Borders Books and Music adjacent to the Regal Cinema in Westlake, OH. "The sad part about it is that they'll probably like it and go back to see it again and again to catch the super-obvious symbolism that goes over their thick skulls."

As he approached the counter to purchase James Joyce's "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man", Reichert added, "I've been meaning to get into Joyce for the longest time, which I've heard is really meaningful stuff. Not like stupid Dan Brown half-baked Bible-based fiction that I absolutely refuse to read, let alone see, lest I contract Down's syndrome from the idiot sitting next to me."

Self-proclaimed intellectuals are not the only demographic who are gleeful to jeer the sheepish crowds expected to line up for opening night; parts of the religious community are also wringing their hands over the chance to accuse the misguided seekers still under the assumption that The Da Vinci Code is true of being blindly obedient and easily manipulated.

"For one, the book was poorly written, nothing like the masterful [Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins-penned] Left Behind series," said Carol Shermer, parishioner of St. Raphael Catholic Church. "Secondly, it's not even true. For example, Leonardo Da Vinci wasn't a genius at all -- he was actually just a heretic. It would have been quite a different book if Mr. Brown had gotten that fact straight, wouldn't it?"

Shermer is happy that her church has formally requested that the congregation do not see the movie and encourage friends and family to do the same, but claims that she already had plans to be busy with non-Da Vinci Code-related duties that night.

"I will be helping Father Leonard lead a public boycott of Tom Hanks' movies," she stated proudly. "He was fine as a comedy actor before he did all those pro-gay, anti-God movies. If he would do doing something like 'Bachelor Party' again I might go back to see his movies, but all this wicked, controversial stuff is just too much for me to endorse."

Some movie buffs are interested in seeing how director Ron Howard treats Brown’s material, but most are fearing the worst and anticipate spending the night of May 19th elsewhere.

"It's bad enough that he's got to make characters named Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu a modicum of depth, which they lack so blatantly in the book," said Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun-Times, "but the temptation to try to one-up Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut in the Father-having-ritualistic-sex scene must have been overwhelming. I'm not optimistic, so given the source material I'm going to take the night off and give it one star [out of four]."

Fans of the works of Dan Brown who are excited to actually see the movie with the intent to enjoy it are speaking out against nay-sayers.

"Its gunna be awsum : )," said Ben Fisher, somehow managing to speak to reporters in message-board style text and emoticons. "Their afrade that the truth will come out thats y the cherch duznt want it any1 to go thats why im go ing 2 go."

Fisher, a popular critic on Yahoo! Movies, revealed that he already had his review of the movie written based on various trailers he had seen, and that he gave it his highest grade of "OMG A+."

Opening night for the Da Vinci code is expected to be a resounding success for both box office receipts and for academics and literates excited for the chance to announce that they have not yet seen the movie. Many are hoping to be prompted to explain why they refuse to see it.

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