'Twilight' Party Ruined By Visit From Actual, Non-Sexy Vampire; Six Found (un)Dead

Pictured: the party-goers are unaware that they're about to be slaughtered.

Tragedy struck in the midst of a party celebrating the release of "New Moon", the latest film in the "Twilight" series featuring stylish, sensual vampires and physically attractive werewolves, when a most un-hip and stodgy Count Dracula materialized and brutally devoured the majority of the assemblage.

The cursed shape-shifter once known to mankind as Vlad the Impaler, and occasionally referred to as Nosferatu or Count Orlok, initially appeared in the form of a bat, which most revelers found to be starkly un-sexy, and even "gross" -- a noted contrast to the 21st Century vampires the victims were anticipating.

"There were some survivors, but the six victims -- five teenage girls and one woman in her mid-40s who should really have known better -- were found in various states of distress and horror," said local police chief Bruce Camden. "In fact, it appears that the girls actually tried to flee from the bloodthirsty ghoul, instead of attempting to have sex with him. I thought that's what kids were into these days."

Survivors' descriptions of the evil, nocturnal Count vary from a "pale, creepy pervert" to a wretched, emaciated, tortured creature that bore a stunning resemblance to William Dafoe. Despite the varying accounts, all witnesses stated that the perpetrator of the sanguine massacre looked nothing like Robert Pattinson, the gay heartthrob star of the Twilight films.

"It was such a letdown...I don't think I'll ever be able to watch Twilight again," said disappointed fan Joy Tikiskie, who escaped unholy transformation at the hands of the Transylvanian undead by fending him off with a shaker of garlic salt. "Plus, a bunch of my friends are dead now."

But fellow survivor Christine Bremmer pointed out that their six erstwhile friends are actually undead. Still, she views this as even worse news, since they will be forced into an earthly, crepuscular eternity with the hideous embodiment of evil, and not a morally conflicted, good-natured, and totally ripped vampire.

"It seems like just yesterday that Sheila had hung a [star of New Moon] Taylor Lautner poster in her bedroom, and now she's forever enthralled with a 500 year-old guy who looks old enough to be her grandfather," bemoaned Bremmer.

Parents and authorities everywhere are warning their teenage daughters not to encourage any member of the undead to enter their midst; experts claim that the media's portrayal of vampires is misleading, and that actual vampires do not, in fact, have souls, a conscience, rippling biceps or anything but an endless thirst for fresh human blood.

But despite the warnings and frequent tragedies, girls are still found to be susceptible to the advances of the dark Count from Transylvania. Teenagers are being warned to avoid a pale-faced man with pre-Victorian sartorial tastes at all costs.

"While a life of vampirism might sound like fun to a girl who is too young to know any better, it's really just like being stuck in the windowless van of a sexual predator who looks like Bela Lugosi," said activist Martha Warmister, 32, who is trying to raise support for anti-vampire initiatives after nearly becoming one of the Forgotten herself when she invoked the presence of Count Dracula after seeing hit movie "The Lost Boys" as a 15 year-old.

"It was only through a blood transfusion and endless hours of counseling that I was able to eat proper food, or be within even the sight of a church. I want to make sure that no girl has or to go through what I went through, or suffer an eternal curse to wander the land miserably and alone, just because they had a crush on Kiefer Sutherland."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: