McDonald's Counters Controversial 'Super Size Me' Documentary With In-House 'Salad Without Dressing Me'

In response to Morgan Spurlock's controversial documentary "Super Size Me", which depicts McDonald's as a source of poor health and obesity, the fast food giant has released the in-house-produced documentary "Salad Without Dressing Me". The new documentary presents the corporate giant as a business that offers a healthy yet delicious menu to its customers, treats patrons with respect, and is ahead of the times.

"This is not a response to or rebuttal of anything that has been said about our restaurant recently," said spokesperson Michale Ward. "This had been in the making for a long time, and it just happens to coincide with us taking the ‘super size' option off the menu, as well as our updated ‘hip' image."

Suddenly remembering McDonald's new mission statement to reach out to a young, vogue culture, Ward continued on by saying, "Oops, keep that off the record, but this you can quote me on this: Yo! Da food is the diz, da fries are the schniz, and you's eats at Mickey D's, yo – I'm lovin' it!"

While "Super Size Me" illustrated what the effects of a steady diet of McDonald's food and lack of exercise can have on a person, "Salad Without Dressing Me" proves that the opposite outcome – loss of weight and lower cholesterol for example – is also possible. Jared Caputo, maker of the new documentary, is shown eating nothing but McDonald's salads sans dressing, and running a reasonable five miles a day for a month. The results at the end of the month show a decimated, frail, and exhausted Caputo as he recuperates in a hospital bed, being fed vitamins and other nutrients intravenously, which his body lacked during the month-long experiment.

"This just goes to show," said new CEO Charlie Bell, "that a person can eat at McDonald's for as long as they want and, as long as they live an otherwise healthy lifestyle, can lose weight in the process."

In addition to the weight-loss potential of the McDonald's menu, the documentary also allows the camera into meetings with various doctors, all who recommended that Caputo add carbohydrates and starchy foods to his diet.

"I told him that if he's going to be running five miles and surviving on the walnut-and-apple salads, caesar salads sans caesar dressing croutons, and an occasional orange drink," said general physician Howard Lassard, M.D., "he's going to have to tear into a Big Mac, a delicious apple pie or even just a grilled chicken sandwich to stay afloat."

In the climax of the documentary, Caputo sits in the examining room on the third week of his ordeal, shaking from fatigue as Lassard attempts to convince him to eat a more substantial meal. "Think about it!" says Dr. Lassard. "A greasy hash brown, oil dripping down your chin; a Quarter Pounder with cheese, onions, pickles, the works – maybe a chocolate shake and Super Size fries to go with it; an Egg McMuffin to start your day off tomorrow – come on, I know you want it. You need it, you rail-thin pinko bitch."

Caputo then collapses due to lack of blood-sugar, is revived, checks his watch and, seeing that it's time for his run, hobbles out of the office on swollen ankles.

"I had to prove a point," wheezed Caputo from his hospital bed in a recorded statement. "If I gave in and ate just one chicken McNugget, I would have corrupted the data and my pancreas might have been in near-working order by the end of the experiment." Doctors compared Caputo's condition to that of someone who had spent a month in a Soviet gulag.

"We are pleased with the results," said Janet Thayer, President of McDonald's Marketing Division. "We have paid Mr. Caputo with a lifetime of free McDonald's certificates for himself and anyone else he chooses to give them to – and I must say, they make great stocking stuffers."

Commenting that "Super Size Me" was unfair in its stance towards the range of food the company has to offer, she added, "'Salad Without Dressing Me' proves that to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. We don't endorse Mr. Caputo's diet, necessarily, but we do want our customers to have those kinds of options – and we will be exploiting this with billboards all across your local highways."

Prototypes for marketing of the salad-only diet at McDonald's show a picture of a slightly plump but healthy Caputo and the word "Before" on the left side, a split down the middle with the words "Thirty Days Later", and on the right. the word "After" and a picture of the sunken eyes of a delirious Caputo after having just emerged from a hallucination of his skin being lettuce. The bottom of the billboards will read, "McDonald's – A World of Possibilities."

"Not only is McDonald's hip, but they're healthy," said customer Nancy O'Donnahue. "I need to lose weight for the summer so I can get into my bikini and Jared has been such an inspiration to me."

"Can you leave everything off but the greens?" O'Donnahue asked the cashier as she placed her order for a ranch salad shaker.

After receiving her order, O'Donnahue told reporters, "and I just can't wait to see how they're going to incorporate this latest diet trend with a new Justin Timberlake song."

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