'Now & Later' Candy Renamed 'Now & Now, God Damnit'
Keith Lively, CEO of Farley's & Sathers Candy Company, stated on Tuesday that, in order to compete with the public's demand for instant gratification and immediate service, the "Now & Later" tag for the famous taffy is being changed to "Now & Now, God Damnit".
According to Lively, recent slogans and marketing campaigns such as Burger King's "Your Way Right Away", Domino's "15 Minutes or It's Free" and IBM's "We'll Suck Your Dick to Get Your Business" have convinced the company that, in order to attract the young and demanding buying public, there must be no reminder of sustained enjoyment or of patience as a virtue.
"It's a risky move," admitted Lively, "because we've already got the brand recognition thing going on -- everyone knows that it's candy time when the words 'now' and 'later' are uttered, after all."
Quickly finishing a cigarette and using the glowing cherry to light another, Lively went on: "But name recognition alone didn't keep Fanny May afloat, did it? The people have chosen, and want satisfaction now, god damnit, not later."
Until recently, the candy industry had relied more on nostalgia to sell its products than it has current trends and shifting customer taste. But the recent influx of "extreme" marketing, potently sour or sugary sweets, and flashy advertising has reduced customer demand for the old-fashioned and has been replaced with a manic desire for bright colors and candies with properties similar to those of narcotics and diet pills.
"It reminds me of a story of a little boy named Timothy O'Brien," said Lively. "Little Timmy was only six years old, but was very smart. His mother, whom I've had the pleasure of meeting through her very spirited letters to our corporation, bought him some of his favorite candies – Now & Laters – while they were standing in the grocery store checkout line. After a considerable tantrum, Little Timmy finally persuaded his mother to let him have a Now & Later while he was forced to stand there and watch adults do boring adult things. But that wasn't good enough for Timmy – almost the instant after he put the first delicious piece of taffy in his mouth, he began to scream for Mommy to give him another one. Mommy tried to reason with him by saying, ‘No, Timmy, you have to finish the one I gave you before you get another,' but Little Timmy wasn't interested. ‘Hell, hell, hell, Mommy, I want another shitty Now & Later now, god damnit!' We can all thank Little Timmy and the many children like him who demand our candies to the point of getting spanked for taking the name of the Lord in vain for changing the face – and name – of the industry forever."
Though Farley's & Sathers has decided to change the name of the taffy from its old familiar title, they insist that their recipe will remain mostly the same.
"We are not prepared for a complete overhaul," said marketing representative Chris Olsen, "but we are beginning to take steps to remove any savory qualities of our product and replace them with blasts of flavor so intense and shocking that chewing food again may become impossible. For now, a name change will have to do."
Olsen added that the corporation was also considering the addition of the word "Xtreme" somewhere in the product's name.
While many question the wisdom of the new blasphemous name being given to the popular treats, sales have already risen, and collectors have been buying the remaining "Now & Laters" off the shelves at many local markets and are generally pleased to have another soon-to-be-relic to add to their collection.
"This is going to make my anthology of obsolete 20th century candies complete," said 28 year-old collector Brock Diggler. "I've managed to get every major candies and most of the minor ones before different flavor, artwork, distributor or name changes were made. I've got some Good 'n' Plenty before they changed it to ‘Awesome and Shitloads'; some Pixie Sticks which, as we all know, are now simply called ‘Blow'; a handful of the old 'Hershey Kisses' before they were changed to 'Hershey One Night Stand Sex' and now the recently antiquated Now & Laters. I'm worth millions!"
Pausing a moment, looking around shiftlessly and flashing a malign grin, Diggler said with a laugh, "Touch me and I'll fucking kill you!" before being screamed at by his mother to get a real job.
